its an ugly word isnt it. “divorce”. im not sure what drew me to the verse in scripture… that talks about divorce. but it seems to be the few in the entire bible that address it directly.

god hates divorce.

its that simple.

we can spend our entire lives searching for something to fill the void. something to fill the gap. something to tell us who we are again. we can search for it and cling to any number of things while searching. jobes. relationships. sex. school. food. excercise.

this hole in our lives can turn an extrovert into and introvert and vice versa. it totally changes all of who you are. it rips you apart and sometimes, you’re not even aware its happening. you just wake up one morning… and your 40lbs heavier… or your girlfriend is pregnant… or heck, some chick you met last month is pregnant. or you stop eating and the wasting away in your soul quickly becomes utterly obvious as your body wastes away as well.

it happens at that moment… the house of cards you were so painstakingly creating to hide your eyes from the gaping wound in your soul crashes down. if youre lucky, that’ll happen somewhere private where your meltdown wont be seen by the uncaring and non-understanding public. sometimes your not so lucky and the meltdown makes front page news in your clique/school/church.

maybe its not like this for all children of divorced homes. maybe im the rarity here. im not sure. maybe some people handle this news better. they’re able to constructively handle their pain. they can focus, hang on, grit their teeth and bear it… they keep going. this little instance of their parents splitting was nothing more than a minor detour on the superhighway of their life.

others arent so lucky. maybe im the only one who felt like he’d been t-boned by an eighteen-wheeler doing 120mph.

all i know is that there are times that i find myself still searching. trying to figure out who i am.

you base a lot of who you are on your childhood and adolesence. your dreams. your hopes and goals for the future all stem in one way or another from how you were raised. it could be that you hope to be as good as a parent as your parents were… it could be that you vow to never be the type of person your mom/dad were. it could be a mixture of the two… no matter what your dreams are, they are based somewhat on your childhood. and when the main structural supports… your foundation doesnt just crack, but crumbles… you’re identity, your dreams… do the same.

i honestly am not sure where any of this came from tonite. im not sure what brought it all on. i just know that deep from within me… i can feel something stirring…

something ive missed.

hope
joy
dreams
fire.

open up the doors
let the music play
let the streets resound with singing
songs that bring your hope
songs that bring your joy
dancers who dance upon injustice

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