there are times in life when we know exactly what we want.. what we want to accomplish, see, expierence, live through…

and thent here are times whe life drags so much out of us that all we can focus on is living.

it seems to me, that the longer one spends time fighting to live, the harder it is to remember what there is to live for.

dont get me wrong, im not contemplating suicide or anything. but i am contemplating life. the future. what i want to be doing in 12 months. who i want to be in 2006.

decisions are coming. some of them sooner than i’d like them to. decisions about where / when / how / what / who. the things that make life “fun”.

im contemplating the fact that ive spent the past 9 months down here hardly changing. am i any different from the pip who left NY april of 2004? have i changed? am i better for my time down here? or am i more afraid? more afraid of change. of moving… again. of becoming my father. of marriage/relationships.

i came down here with ideals, with goals. with things in my life i wanted changed. things i wanted to see left behind. and things i wanted to see grow. and it’s as if i stepped back into the bubble world i used to live in. the “everything is perfectly fine in pips suburbia” world. i loved that world. i loved the white picket fences, the golf-course green lawns, in ground pools and excericse rooms on premises.

but i didnt come down here to reclaim my portion of the american dream. i didnt come to tx for white picket fences and spending saturdays mowing the lawn and washing the car. life, unfortunately… has always found a way to interupt my dreams of semi-normallacy.

my life isnt normal. and im not normal. and chances are that life will always be, um… odd.

im not complaining. just realizing.

some of us have parenthood thrust on us. some of us wake up one day having to introduce yourself at an AA meeting. some of us find ourselves in relationships going nowhere… or in cities contemplating moving elsewhere….

no matter how you wake up… you eventually do. and you begin asking yourself questions. what do i want out of life? what is my calling? where should i go? who should i go there with? and am i always going to be alone?

you realize, slowly at first… that the “things” you want and the “stuff” you’d like to do begin to fade in importance… and what truly matters to you begins to float to the surface.

i ended up having a very one sided conversation with my mom earlier this week. actually, she had the conversation. i had the “deer in the headlights” look. she just basically said “somethings wrong with you, and we need to find out what”.

she’s not wrong, persey. it was just shocking to hear this from someone else. im a big fan of not opening up the can of worms that life sometimes has been. but if i want to face my fears, not become my father, and have a hope of doing something with this life. i need to do just that. i need to face my fears.

1.) find out what happened, what has truly happened in my family over the past few years.
2.) find out why im so incredibly terrified of marriage/any sort of relationship that requires a commitment. (or more precisely, find out why im not past that yet)
3.) why am i here?

i had a longer list… i did. but most everything kinda faded away… in response to these few.

im scared. i wont admit that im not. but time is short… to short to say “its ok”. to short to say that im ok and that life is normal and that i dont need healing. because i do. heck, you live through the past 3 years and see if you’d be ok.

im not. i know that. and i want to be.

the next few weeks/months offer a variety of challenges. and i know its going to be hard. i know the difficulties and issues faced wont be fun. but im not going to wish things to change.

when the world is spinning round
and my world is upside down
i wouldnt change a thing
i got nothing else to lose
i lost it all when i found You
and i wouldnt change a thing

when we will look back on these times, we will realize with the deepest of convictions that this was the moment simple existence ended… we woke up,

and began to truly live life.