one day my ashes will return to earthly slumber
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
and look forward to each sunrise

does it say anything about my growth, or lack of growth when i look back on the past 2 years of my blog and realize that i am still learning the same lessons i was in 2003? it probably says volumes. do you consider it failure? or, do you just realize that learning these lessons is what life is all about?

i think its both.

im slowly realizing that ive been waiting… waiting on life to start. ive been waiting to jump into all that ive wanted to do. ive been waiting for circumstances to get better, for life to stop falling apart, to stop hurting, for more clarity.

and ive realized that im literally missing out on life. these challenges, these times of pain, these things that get only worse, these times of stepping out of the comfort zone, this is life. this is what living is all about. dont get me wrong, this isnt ALL there is, i know that. but for now, this is it. THIS is what im talking about.

its about declaring what your heart already knows. that right now, today is a beautiful day. and you’re the only one keeping you from realizing it.

its the guttural scream that it doesnt matter. that no matter what is thrown my way i am going to live life. I am going to laugh, i am going to cry, i am going to experience all that life has to offer. this is life. and i am choosing to live it.

its about knowing you are where your supposed to be. its about learning that you’re absolutely a genius at derailing your life… but its also knowing the one who can put it all back together.

its realizing that this isnt what i signed up for, this isnt what i dreamed id be doing at 25. this isnt the life i would have chosen to live. but for right now, this is all ive got. and nothing, absolutely nothing is going to stop me from living.

i may not be the person i want to be. heck, to be honest im no where close. im not ready for the things i wanted to be ready for. im not through dealing with the issues i wanted to be beyond. im not who i want to be. but im renewing my commitment to get there. im declaring to my saviour, im signing the contract. this is my declaration, my line in the sand, my….

my negative return.