i know we dont talk as often as we should. and i know that its my fault. i guess part of me still holds the last 4 years against you. part of me is still scared that your some malicious person just waiting for me to be happy again. just waiting. holding the other shoe over my head…. just waiting for the right time to let it drop.

im learning that i am a conflicted person. and as afraid of you as i am, im also hungry to worship you. hungry for friendships that will reflect your love. hungry to be surrounded by people who arent ashamed to proclaim your name. your truth. your freedom. your love.

im hungry.

you show me who i am to you, and yet i still see with blinding clarity, who i am to me. and sadly, i look at the me side more than i look at the you side. so maybe its not you im afraid of. maybe im afrad of me. and my utter unworthyness. maybe its my fear of you seeing how horrible i truly am. and no longer wanting to love me.

its the prodigal son, standing at the darkness of the doorway, just outside his Fathers dining hall. looking longingly into the light of the room. watching the feast. watching the joy… crying as he sees the uncondtional love that his Father pours on his guests.

its the desire to step out of the dark, and leave the grime encrusted clothes behind… walk into the light and just be loved. its the hunger to be me. its the hunger to know…

to know you

this is the air i breathe
this is the air i breathe
your holy presence living in me

this is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

and i
im despereate for you
and i
im lost without you
and i
im desperate for you
and i
im lost without you

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