a month is probably one of the longest times ive gone between postings. and to be honest, im not sure i have one specific reason why its taken me this long to come back here. then again, most things in life that we remember aren’t singular things… they’re culminations of places, events, actions and people. so maybe thats what brings me back, or has kept me away.

ive always tried to be honest on my blog. ive never been one to give a running account of my daily activities.

“dear diary, i went to walmart and got toothpaste today”

“dear diary, i have to go to work tomorrow”

“dear diary, today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.” “today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.”

the whole diary thing never cut it for me. this hasnt been about the things i do, its been about who i am. who ive been and who i am becoming. this blog has been a reflection of me. and recently, ive been lonely.

God, id do almost anything for some good friends down here. i cant even begin to describe how much ive avoided posting, because i knew that id have to be honest, and that being honest would be saying that i was lonely. and i was too proud to admit that i was lonely.

but i am. i am lonely.

i could go into details about how im trying. how ive been invited out, and asked out, by coworkers. how last sunday night found me with a new group of christians my age. how im looking for a church. ive tried out churches. but thats not honestly where i want to go.

i made spaghetti today. and i realized, standing in front of the stove, about to immerse some unsuspecting pasta into the boiling water, how my life is very much like a piece of spaghetti.

because its only when exposed to intense heat that a piece of spaghetti will bend, and not break. it will move and commune and intermix with those around it. take the heat away and you’ve got a stiff, unmoving, unwilling, brittle, useless piece of baked grain.

the times i look back on fondly. the people, friendships that i miss the most, were those born out of adversity. those that were birthed in fire.

they say practice makes perfect. that there is a song worth singing. they say that all our trying, our pain, our strength poured out… they say it’ll be worth it. they say that there are people, things, places and expierences worth walking through this. they say that this life is worth living.

and thats what i want. i want a life worth living. i want the heat. i want the pain if it means i can expierence the joy.

so if this is practice, if this is my time in the studio. if this is where i hone my skills so to speak, then bring it on. because a time is coming when my life will come into accord with those around me. with the friends, relationships, church that He has for me. and when the great conductor begins… you will hear the orchestra.

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