have you ever wanted something so badly that the desire nearly drives you insane?

i think thats where i find myself tonight. but the thing is, im not sure what im looking for. i dont know what i want, i just know i want it. does that make any sense? or am i just going crazy? probably a little bit of both…

i used to think that i had some level of control. that i had some power over things… but ive forgotten how quickly things can change. and its in those moments of change that we realize that we’re not in control.

the brave ones accept the change. they accept the reality that they’re not in control. and that this little piece of control they thought they had, well… they give it up. they learn, accept and understand the truth about that little piece of their life. and they move on.

the cowards scramble for control. they reel in shock. they turn a blind eye, turn to distractions (drugs, alcohol, sex,) anything to numb the shock. and the moment they can grasp that level of control back, they do so. or at least, the moment they can re-create their imagined sense of control, they do. and the walls they build up to protect this control are built on the crumbled ruins of many previous attempts.

the brave in me wants to accpet the change. it wants to accept the reality that i am, in no way shape or form, in control. the brave in me wants to give up that little piece of control. it wants to learn, accept and understand the truth. the brave in me wants to move on.

i want to move on. desperately.

but i dont know how. or maybe its not so much knowing how, maybe its the battle between the brave in me, and the coward in me.

but cowards never changed the world. cowards were never the first to see the sunrise from the top of some great mountain. cowards didnt turn the tide of the battle. cowards never saw the pacific ocean… from the surface of the moon.

cowards never fall in love. they never have the guts to – put themselves on the line and truly say how the feel about someone. they dont take the risk of being shot down. they dont swim in the deep end so to speak, they never go underwater or see how long they can hold their breath. they never come up gasping for life giving air. so they continue breathing easy, but they never have their breath taken away.

i dont want to live that way. i want to risk my breath. i want to have times where its hard to breathe even if its because of pain. if it means ill be truly alive, and even if it means ive gotta fight for it. id dont want to breathe easy anymore…

i want to be gasping for air.