the more i live, the more i realize that we – as humans – need to cling. to things, ideals, people, things, memories, dreams, places, hopes and even… fears.

they’re the things that (we think anyway) make us, us. they are the things we believe make us who we are. we pull our identity, our very lives – the way we respond to people, our attitudes, beliefs and choices – all come from these things.

the ‘things’, if we buy into it, make us who we are.

and if one of those things breaks, or is damaged, or changes, or disappears… or suddenly we see it for what it really is, our lives are thrown into turmoil.

im not sure where im going with this tonite, its just been something ive been thinking about. i guess maybe im realizing all the things im holding onto. and im not holding just to hold, oh no. im clinging.

im identifying with these things. with these beliefs, systems, defense mechanisms, walls, hurts, pains and ideals. im identifying more with these stupid things than i am with the Saviour of my soul, the creator of all good things.

why? why on earth would i do this? simple. things are (usually) reliable. if i spin a pillar or stavesacre cd, i know its gonna rock. if i put the key in the ignition, the car starts. if eat junk instead of a salad, it feels and tastes better.

the list goes on.

the point is, these things offer a predefined and predetermined ending. you know the ending from the beginning. and isnt that mans original sin anyway? to know the end from the beginning? to be like God? funny how its mutated into something so… innocuous.

and the things arent really the issue. because i could remove some of those things. and in the past, i have. but the things arent where my focus should be. the issue, for me anyway is to be honest – fear.

im afraid to dream. im afraid to hope. im afraid to live beyond the four walls that ive so tightly constructed for myself. i wasn’t raised in an enviroment where i was encouraged to dream. did i? did i dream? oh heck yeah. i did. but in the absence of encouragement, ones dreams fade.

i could blame any number of things for where i find myself. but the bottom line is, i chose to listen to fear. i was afraid. afraid that my dreams wouldnt come true. that i wasnt worthy enough to even pursue them. i cling to the things i know offer a predetermined course of action and ending, because it feels safe.

i was talking with sister #2 on the phone last weekend. and before we have to go our seperate ways, i always ask her how i can pray. and she asks me the same. my answer? and ive no idea where it came from… i asked her to pray that i may have the courage to dream again.

woah.

me, dreaming? you mean at 26 this isnt all life has to offer? you mean that i can still hope? that He isnt done with me yet? that this existence that, in so many ways simply sucks any hope out of me, isnt everything?

in a word… yes.

im going to find it. i dont even know if i will find it. but im going to search. i dont want to feel empty anymore. i dont want to just live the responsible, safe life. i dont want to be the one guy at work with a perfect attendance record if it means i dont have a life.

i want to answer the call. i want to drop the things that ive used so long to define who i am and begin to see those things transformed into things that bring Him glory. that point others to the Saviour i profess. that…. that cant help but be lights for who He is. for His renown.

i want to lie prostrate in His presence surrounded by like minded people. i want to worship till it hurts. i want all nite praise sessions and accountability. i want mentorship and i want to grow.

i want to follow the One with abandon. i want to drop all that i am and cling to all He is. i want to hear my dreams in His voice, to see my future in His eyes and to see my life in His hands.

i want to live. i want to dream.

and i want to live my dreams.