its funny, how the cages that, in the past, were the confines our enemies trapped us in, become the sanctuary we run to during the hard times. as if somehow, we buy in to what our enemies said about us. we identified with it. it became a part of who we were and, for protection, we adopted it as a safe haven.

we trade the worth we see in ourselves for the rags that others see. we trade experiencing His amazing presence for standing on the sidelines. we exchange real life, for a masquerade. and when someone steps up, brings a light, sees the beauty that hides beneath our rags, and tries to help us see it too… the light brings pain.

pain of lost memories, of dreams we’ve long since given up on. pain of past hopes and, and expectations. we realize how much we traded, and lost, when we took up these rags. we realize how long we ‘d gone since we had truly experienced life. and that realization hurts. and for some of us, instead of biting the bullet and allowing these filthy rags to fall away, we hide. we run back to our cages and we hide in fear. fear of being exposed, of allowing other to see the beauty within because we dont truly know if it is really beautiful.

some of us have forgotten what true beauty looks like. we’ve lost that feeling of running up into the Fathers arms and simply feeling safe.

……

ive realized something over the past few days. i know, the fact that we humans are creatures of habit should not surprise me. it shouldnt come as a shock that we have a need to be able to rely on something. that for a lot of us, we need something we can count on, something that we know wont change, something… a foundation of sorts, to build our lives upon. our very existence is often founded on these things.

i realized a few days ago that i rely on being unhappy. not that happiness is everything in life. but the realization came as a shock to me. im afraid of being happy. i really am. im afraid of pushing towards, pursuing all that God has for me because i dont want to finally get where i want to be, where im happy, only to have the carpet pulled from beneath my feet. only to feel the paralyzing fear of freefalling. to know intimately, the pain of losing everything you care about, all over again. id rather “not care” if it meant “not losing” what i care(d) for.

its why im single. its why im not even PURSUING a relationship of any consequence. somewhere along the lines ive come to the conclusion that its better to live in a dull ache that to; maybe, possibly experience true joy and happiness, only to lose it all and feel the heartbreak of losing everything you care about all over again.

id rather live lonely, than hurt that much again.

its an honest fact. its not “right”. i know that. its not proper or correct or good for me or even what God wants for me. im not saying any of those things. i know its not a good thing. i do. but for me, for right now, its where i am at.

and that scares me. because, for most of the time, im totally ok with it. i am. and i know that feeling this way isnt healthy.

the thing is, i can back it up. i can logically and calmly list my reasons on why living this way is better. i can tell you that its safer to protect what you have than to risk it on the “chance” of something better. that its better to live with the numbing effects of loneliness than it is to put yourself out there, and hope in something that you cant control. that being, the love of another.
i could list a thousand reasons why living as i am is the best possible way to live. and you wouldnt be able to prove me wrong.

……
for some of us (we’ll call this category A) who have looked fear in the face and walked away the victor; our hopes, dreams, existence, our very lives rely and are built upon the foundations of our faith. for others (category B), who may still be fighting the battle within, who may still be staving off fear and putting up a brave front, we’ve struggle daily to base our lives on the never changing attributes of the God we worship.

i’ve said it before and ill say it again. change is first seen in the small things. i may not be in category A yet. i may not define myself by how my Saviour sees me. i may not be the me i want to be, yet.

but im trying.

Advertisements