ever have one of those moments where you know you have something brewing inside of you and you just cant get it out? just not yet?

this is one of those moments.

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there are times in our lives when we are sure of only weaknesses. when all we know is the utter failure we brought upon ourselves. and during those times we cry out and pray, we hope and dream of a time when the “rest of our lives” finally arrives and we can move beyond the bleak gray-ness of knowing nothing but our own failures, faults and shortcomings.

but then we get to the otherside. and if we dont hold close to that feeling of inadequacy, we lose our way. we lose the dreams that were burned so deeply into our core during the times when all we could do was dream. we get caught up, distracted in the day to day. the job. the menial work that fills the time between moments of real life. our dreams are brushed aside by meetings, deadlines, excel spreadsheets and venti white mochas.

we lose the clarity we had in the storm. we lose ourselves in our own security.

i hear this voice inside of me. crying out. i know that this voice is screaming for all its worth, but i only hear a whisper. and that scares me. its crying out for me to continue to push into real life. to lay aside the spreadsheets and deadlines, and even if just for a moment… dream. daring me to open my eyes and imagine that there is more to this life than matching sox and nice dress pants. more than getting to work on time and annual reviews.

this voice is calling me to remember the dark times. to remember the times when all we had were dreams. when life was hard, it hurt to breathe and all you wanted was to get through this hell, all you wanted was to see the light at the end of a tunnel.

its calling me to remember something i dont want to remember. that it was during those times, those times when your heart simply hurts… that you’re most alive. because its at those times that you havent the strength to put up any fight. you cannot hold up a facade, you cannot pretend everything is ok, you cannot get lost in formulas, spreadsheets or the joys of the 8 to 5. its during those times, when all you can do is survive, that you realize God is all He says He is.

and you walk away from that realization terrified. you promise to never forget that He is infinitely huge and you are infinitesimally small. He is everything and you are nothing. you promise to always remember that.

this voice is asking me to remember what ive forgotten. that there is more to this life. that there is more to my life. that there is a calling on me that cannot be revoked. and if it takes all i am, i need to see that fulfilled. if it means losing all i have, to find who i am supposed to be. then so be it

and i will live…

and know some destiny

still waits for me

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