its finally happened. the paperwork has been filled out. all that is needed now is a trip to the courthouse. my parents divorce is only days away.

its been 5 years to get to this point. and now that its almost here, i have no idea how to feel. to be honest, im not even sure ‘if’ i feel. i feel numb. and in more situations than just this one.

i mean, come on, this is huge. isnt it? or at this point, is it a non-event? is this parsley on the dinner plate; the ‘final touch’ but basically pointless?

i know, its good to have it on paper, legally. but wow, i dont feel anything.

i wrote the following back in july 2006, while on vacation in florida. i was dealing with a lot of different thoughts and emotions and i felt… i hurt. and i wrote. and this was what came out.

july 2006

more than a thousand miles from the place i call home, and less than a thousand feet from the atlantic ocean. welcome to my vacation. im about halfway through my time here in florida. the weather has been beautiful. hot, but unlike texas, a constant breeze. and the nice thing is that it actually cools off in the evening. I have had a productive few days; ive made friends with the local wildlife (that being, we now have 2 or 3 families of ducks that come right up to the sliding glass door on our deck looking for breakfast / lunch / dinner / snack), ive learned that playing chicken with waves when the tide is coming in all but guarantees that you will lose and ive driven all over I95 and can tell you quite a bit about it.

and on a different level, at dinner today i realized that im not as infatuated with “fun” and “doing things” as i once was.

maybe its because of how long its been since i spent more than a few hours with those i consider close friends. with people from NY. but im realizing something the longer im here. i dont want fun. i honestly dont. id give up all the fun of this week for 2 hours, 2 solid hours of uninterrupted, unhindered, open, honest communication. id love to just be honest and real with someone, anyone. id love to meet someone here other than the cute but non-communicative feathered natives. i mean; they honk, and they’re very adapt at letting you know exactly what they want, but they dont make the best beach walking companions.

maybe its me, maybe im simply sabotaging my own chances of having exactly what i want. maybe im…. afraid of speaking up and saying, “you know what, i really dont want to spend the day walking around outlet malls” and “no, im not ok. im not ok with life. im not ok. i miss my sister. i hurt. my god i hurt. and i just want to stop hurting”.

maybe im simply realizing that im angry. angry at God for the past two, heck… 5 years. angry at the loss. at the take-your-breath-away feelings of loss and abandonment. maybe im realizing that i cannot continue to be angry, to be hurt; but that i must start asking the hard questions. i need to realize that wounds cannot heal until they are felt. i cannot experience the life i want until i experience the life i have. until i let myself feel the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the questions of why. the screaming that is ablaze inside of me cannot be quenched. no amount of retail therapy or quiet sessions on the beach, no amount of good times or hanging out with those i consider friends will put out the fire that is fueled by hurts that go beyond emotion and scar the very fabric of our beings. soul hurts are the hardest to heal, because for some reason we humans believe firmly that they are things we should never talk about.

im dying to talk. i guess thats what im getting at. im dying for someone to simply say they care. i dont have any idea where to go with these feelings. and im lost as to how to handle them.

maybe thats where having a father figure comes in handy. i mean, im 26 years old and im slowly coming to the conclusion that if you have a father figure in your life for only one period, it would be between 18 and 25. those are, for me anyway, the times when who i was began to fade and the man i am to be, started to form. and im sitting here now and i can honestly tell you i have no idea what it means to be a man. none. period.

im lost. and that thought scares me more than anything. i have NO idea how to act around a woman. now, dont get me wrong, i can treat a lady right and i can be the gentleman…. but im 26, and im single.

i dont know how to handle the overwhelming feelings of utter incapability to be who i am supposed to be. a breadwinner, the head of a household, maybe even a father of my own one day. and yet, on that same token, i cannot imagine bringing kids into the picture. i dont have a clue on how to be a father, so why would i want to bring children into the picture?

im realizing that i dont even know how to judge my own growth.

im reading “to own a dragon” by donald miller right now. its his reflections on growing up without a father figure. i only picked it up yesterday and its already moved me to tears. i see myself in his writings. its scary.

don talks about a special he saw on the national geographic channel a few years ago. a documentary on elephants. 20 orphaned elephants that were rescued and brought to a wildlife preserve. he spoke of watching these adolescent males enter into well, puberty. and how during this one time in puberty (that mind you, is supposed to only last for a few days) an elephant in the wild separates himself from his mother and begins to seek out an older, more mature male elephant. when found, these two become almost inseparable. the elder male teaching the younger the finer points about being an elephant; how to handle the pressures, feelings, strengths and weaknesses that elephants inherently have. and the younger elephant offering protection to the older male.

its during this time in an elephants life that elephant children die, and the elephant adult is born.

unfortunately, the adolescent males that the documentary followed were unable to find elder males to help shape, mold and guide them. this led to a period of ‘sexual frustration’ which was only supposed to last a few days turning into a much longer ordeal. these physically adult males were lost. they had no idea how to handle the stresses, pressures and feelings which burned inside of them…. and it led to outbursts which i did not realize happened in nature.

these young elephants would amble up beside an unsuspecting rhinoceros at a water hole and with no warning would plunge their tusks into the rhino, pinning it beneath the water until it drowned.

they were that frustrated. and that lost.

i am that frustrated. and that lost.

maybe youre one of the lucky ones who grew up in an intact home. who never had to feel the sting of being left behind, of losing all you hold dear. maybe you dont know what it means to have the closest person to you walk away, walk out of your life and never look back. if you are, consider yourself lucky.

there has been this ache, following me. overflowing into everything ive done the past few days. and the thing is, ive no idea where it is coming from or how to handle it.

im on vaction. and i cannot get over this. i dont even know what “this” is. im just, lost. and hurting. so much.

and i want to go home.

can you believe that? im on vacation, and i dont fly out for another 3 days…. but all i can think about is how desperately i want to go home. my god there must be something wrong with me.

maybe i had this idea of how this vacation was going to go. maybe i had too many hopes and dreams of refreshing, of revitalization, of renewing and re-energizing. maybe what i wanted, and what was supposed to happen on this trip dont line up. im not actually sure.

but i do know that i should be able to say that im wishing i handnt spent the money. that i could be working right now and doing something productive with my time.

would someone please tell me what is wrong with me?

———-

i almost feel like i need to post a disclaimer, and say that florida was amazing. because it was. it absolutely was. its 300+ photos of one of the best weeks in my life. it was 8 days with people i love more than life itself.  the trip would have been worth 10x what i spent. i dont regret going in the least. heck, im already planning for 2007.

but sometimes even in the midst of paradise we need to deal with the dark areas of the soul. and by writing the above, i was doing just that.

life is not only watching the moon rise over the ocean… its also the fight to simply reach the shore.

what i wrote may not be fully correct, or right. but you know what? it came out of who i am. it came out of the moments, the places inside of my heart that are still beating. it was honesty. and im afraid that im losing that. that im somehow losing the ability to feel things deeply.

i want more of that. i want honesty. i want moments without make believe.

at this point? id rather simply be real and be absolutely wrong; id rather expose the dirt in my heart and simply be real, be the me that i am, than be right and be fake… and die on the inside.

i hunger for the storm. i hunger for the moments when i cant help but rely on someOne else to save. i dont want to be self sufficient.i almost feel like im drowing in this abyss of normalacy. and i dont want that. i dont.

i used believe in
some kind of feeling
that could change everything i thought i knew
but that door has closed
and my heart feels like its frozen
if You hear me
i cant feel You