its weird how things just work out sometimes. how we can watch a tv show that really speaks to us, that opens our eyes and shows us something inside of us, something that we can relate to – and then moments later we find ourselves sharing some of that with someone in need.

i spent about 6 months of 2003 seeing a counselor. i did. not many people know about it… but i did.

and im sitting here realizing that i wish i had capitalized on that.

i wish i had told her how afraid of failure i was, then. so that id be less afraid of failure, now.

i wish i had told her how much losing my family hurt, then. so that id be further along in dealing with it, and healing, now. so i wouldnt be so afraid of losing them again.

i wish i had told her how suicidal i was. i guess i thought that if i just lived through it, id be healed from the process of simply making it to the other side… from surviving. it still scares me. that i, at one time, considered that a viable option. an option better than this life.

it scares me because i know ive not lived this life as fully as i want to. ive not fought as hard, loved as deeply, or trusted as much as i did at one time. and as hard, as deep and as much as i want to now.

im learning that life is more about the choices we make, than the results of those choices.

life is found inside of the choices. we may make what could be the best choice in the world, and have it work out horribly, but its not the results that truly matter… its the choices we made before, and the choices we make after… that set our course.

that create in us the beauty that we long to see.

the beauty i long to see.

i want to see beauty everywhere i look. i do. and maybe that sounds stupid, or the dreams of a naive man. but its the truth.

i want to see beauty in the nice things, but more-so, i want to see the beauty in the ugly things.

in anger. hurt. hate. dissatisfaction. and disappointment.

because im learning that those times we feel anger, or hurt, or hateful, or lost, or scared or unsure… those are the times when we are most real. we are most vulnerable. we are more our true selves in those moments than in almost any other moment in life.

and i want to, i need to learn to see the beauty in those moments.

i need to learn how to live those things, how to be angry, hurt, confused, damaged… and feel ‘ok’ about feeling that way.

growing up, i was never allowed to communicate those things. i was always made to feel that if i was angry, it was my fault and it was a bad thing. and you’d think that in 26 years of existence, i’d have learned by now that i can be angry, and that its ok.

ive not. ive not learned that yet.

which is why i want to see the beauty in those moments. in myself. and in others. i want to be the type of person you can come to when your hurt, or angry, or spiteful, or broken… and ill see the beauty in you. and i will love you.

i may not have that ability yet. to see inside the real me, much less the real anyone else.

but i want it. desperately.

because in the brokenness, in the anger, in the hatred, i see the real you.

in the brokenness, in the anger, in the hatred, you see the real me.

and the real you is breathtaking.

and i hope and pray that someone finds the real me, just as beautiful.

“…and i look at you. and i want to tear your eyes out just for looking at me. i just want to hurt someone and it might as well be you.”

-starbuck

truer words may never have been spoken. if they were breathed from a heart that truly felt that. a broken heart. a heart that is bleeding, and wounded, and may be barely beating. but it still somehow holding on.