we are wired differently. we are. and by we, i mean men.

we’re wired with, created to have this need. this need for ‘announcement’. or more precisely, knighthood. we are wired with a need to be knighted. to have a moment in time when things suddenly make sense.

a moment when when the equations being played out in the seemingly eradic, painful and confusing circumstances of our lives give forth an answer. suddenly the questions swirling at our feet clear, and we see the answer. we see the ‘otherness’ of what was happening. we see, for the very first time; ourselves.

the way boys have been raised varied little for generations. for thousands of years, a boy would follow in his fathers footsteps. as his father had done before him, and his grandfather before him, and so on.

he would grow and learn the trade of his father. at times he may have hated it. may have hated the clashes they would inevitably have. but it was during those times that this boy was being forged into the man he was to become.

and this boy would have a moment. the mist would clear…. his father would say or do something very specific… and suddenly, this child, knew he was no longer a child. he had been knighted. even if he was a farmer. he was no longer known as the son of farmer so and so… he now had his own, fully matured identity.

milestones. he passed his. what would probably be the first of many. and his life was never the same.

men are wired to need these moments, many of them.

throughout life we were DESTINED to have these moments. moments when the older generation validates us, validate our existence at a higher level… it was these very moments that kept us going. that birthed in us the desire to steady ourselves on this new level, and immediately begin striving for the next one.

it was these moments that gave us hope.

and i know, some have said that in the place of this father-figure, God steps in. and that is a wonderful thought. it is. its warm, and fuzzy, and full of flowers and butterflies and bunny rabbits. and in an existential way, its absolutely true.

but tell the 28 year old who just burried his wife, that in the gaping absence of the woman he was destined to spend his life with, God will be his wife.

it doesn’t hold water. because he was destined to be her husband. and no amount of nice thoughts will ever change that.

there were moments in his life that only his wife could bring about. moments where he was validated, where she knighted him. where he found a new level, and because of her love, he began to push for the next one.

and there were moments where he encouraged her. where he birthed in her the ability to see the next level, and the desire to reach it.

there were moments in their lives that they could only see with each other. the first date. the first kiss… the engagement, wedding and the first night together… each of these moments came as answers to the bigger equation of life. and they could have only come because they were not alone. they had each other.

and now that she’s gone, God cannot fill that void. He cant.

yes, He will bring healing, and peace in the midst of this storm… but He never desired to ‘replace’ someone.

Christ Himself was born of this earth. and even though joseph is hardly mentioned, Christ was born with a father. He was created and birthed the same way i was…. and dare i say it, he was created with the same needs for a father, as i have.

so where does this leave me? how do i draw this to a close? where, in my heart, was this coming from?

its simple really.  im twenty seven, and i dont ‘feel’ like it. ive not felt my age in 6 years. i know, it sounds weird, but its one of the few secrets ive never told anyone. its like a part of me died. or, in all reality, its like a part of me forgot how to live.

honestly, i dont know how to end tonight.  typically, i try to come up with a way to tie things together, to bring my thoughts to a semi-cohesive closing statement.

i dont have one.