revelation comes at a cost. always. it doesnt matter if we chose to react to the revelation or not. either way, it costs. we either chose to react to the revelation, and are hopefully bettered by it, or we chose to ignore the information that we now know… and we chose to not change. and life continues as it always was.

we either live with the results and changes of doing something with what we have learned; or, we live, wondering for the rest of our lives what could have been… had we simply chosen to do something with that revelation.

what the hell am i doing? am i really going to go ‘there’?

now im sitting here asking myself if i really want to do this? to go into my own heart and look at the wounds, the pain, the infection. do i really want to lift the charade and look underneath? am i willing to look beyond the paper mache mask ive created?

i honestly dont see how i have a choice. not if i ever want to love again. not if i ever want to be perfectly honest with someone, and be perfectly ok with it. because right now, i cant love the way i want to.

i grew up basing my self worth on what other people thought of me. of how much they loved me. this was the driving force behind almost all of my close relationships. i wanted to be the best friend, brother, son, boyfriend possible. because maybe if i was the best, they wouldnt leave me. maybe my friend, sibling, parent, girlfriend would love me.

this wasnt real love. it never was. it was my own feelings of worthlessness driving me to do ‘something’. it was self preservation, masked as love. i was so preoccupied with doing all i could; so that, maybe they’d pretend to not see the mask i wore, and love me anyway.

and now? now im confronted with something new. with some one… new. with the possibility of a great, life long friendship… and all this comes up.

and i am forced to know that if i dont deal with my own short comings, if i dont own up to my own issues, then i will simply follow the path ive gone down every other time. and my efforts, this, i, will fail.

i cant do that. i cant do that to myself, and it is in no way fair to this other person.

someone once said, ‘sometimes you have to leave, to find out who you really are’. i think im finding myself there.

im finding myself standing on the edge of who i am, deeply desiring to jump. to free-fall. to feel the rush of adrenaline, hear the roar of the wind, and the freedom of not holding the cliff wall with white knuckles.

i think that this one post is an echo of what the rest of my life is going to be like. either im going to pursue my dreams, or slowly resign myself to a life of white picket fences. a life of safety. a life devoid of laughter, friendship, hardship and joy. a life devoid of love.

i wrote all of the above earlier this afternoon. and ive just been sitting on it. it feels somehow incomplete. or maybe, its because i feel somehow incomplete. i guess thats because i am huh?

incomplete. broken. imperfect. blemished.

so what does that mean? where does this leave me? honestly, i dont know. i know i cant live this way. i dont deserve it; and neither does this person.

how this is all supposed to happen? i have no clue. what its going to look like? or how im supposed to get from this realization, to action, and hopefully, in the future… wholeness? i dont know. i honestly dont.

but this is me. telling the world my revelation. and i hope, that you will see me react to this. you will see me learn, be changed, and be made whole.

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