what is about trust that i have such an issue with? why is it that i cannot just simply…. trust? why? im not sitting here whining. at this point, i simply want to know. i dont trust. and i want to know why.

im sitting here knowing that the next few weeks/months are going to involve changes. changes for me, the fam, location possibly… changes.

and i cannot sit here and tell you that im surrendered. that ive told this God i worship that i will follow Him. i cannot tell you that ive been able to let go, and honestly tell this God that i trust Him enough to have my best interests in mind.

what is a ‘Christian’, if not surrendered?

part of me is actually disappointed with myself. i am. so much so its kept me from being honest with how much my trust has been damaged.

in 2003, i took a professional-level character profile . it was a requirement for the company i worked for at the time.

one of the things it rated was ones ability to trust. the scale (1-100) was based on the majority of human beings. in other words, if you scored a 75%, you were able to trust more easily than 75% of the population, and only 25% of the populace trusted others more easily than you. i scored 18%.

i didnt trust then. and now? well, id like to tell you that ive grown, and healed, and that old wounds no longer remind me, sometimes daily, not to trust… id like to tell you that im not tied down, not impacted, not controlled by, caged by my inability to trust. or to be honest, caged by the things that damaged me so much, that i resolved to stop trusting. id like to tell you that ive healed, that time was all i needed, but its not. and it never was.

what am i looking for? i think its been the same thing.. the same thing ive always wanted, closure.

some sort of explanation as to why the bottom fell out. why she stopped talking to me. why so much was lost. why so many people were hurt…. some sort of grand explanation that will weave the broken pieces of my life together to make something beautiful… something that will make all this… worth it.

so what now? what is the next step? where do i go with this? i dont know. all i know is that im going to be faced with many different opportunities in the coming weeks/months….

so here i am, standing in the midst of questions swirling at my feet. knowing full well that the closure i seek, may never come….

Lord, i dont trust you. there, i said it. i dont. i know i should, but i dont…. and i dont know if this matters, but i will follow you anyway.