what is about trust that i have such an issue with? why is it that i cannot just simply…. trust? why? im not sitting here whining. at this point, i simply want to know. i dont trust. and i want to know why.
im sitting here knowing that the next few weeks/months are going to involve changes. changes for me, the fam, location possibly… changes.
and i cannot sit here and tell you that im surrendered. that ive told this God i worship that i will follow Him. i cannot tell you that ive been able to let go, and honestly tell this God that i trust Him enough to have my best interests in mind.
what is a ‘Christian’, if not surrendered?
part of me is actually disappointed with myself. i am. so much so its kept me from being honest with how much my trust has been damaged.
in 2003, i took a professional-level character profile . it was a requirement for the company i worked for at the time.
one of the things it rated was ones ability to trust. the scale (1-100) was based on the majority of human beings. in other words, if you scored a 75%, you were able to trust more easily than 75% of the population, and only 25% of the populace trusted others more easily than you. i scored 18%.
i didnt trust then. and now? well, id like to tell you that ive grown, and healed, and that old wounds no longer remind me, sometimes daily, not to trust… id like to tell you that im not tied down, not impacted, not controlled by, caged by my inability to trust. or to be honest, caged by the things that damaged me so much, that i resolved to stop trusting. id like to tell you that ive healed, that time was all i needed, but its not. and it never was.
what am i looking for? i think its been the same thing.. the same thing ive always wanted, closure.
some sort of explanation as to why the bottom fell out. why she stopped talking to me. why so much was lost. why so many people were hurt…. some sort of grand explanation that will weave the broken pieces of my life together to make something beautiful… something that will make all this… worth it.
so what now? what is the next step? where do i go with this? i dont know. all i know is that im going to be faced with many different opportunities in the coming weeks/months….
so here i am, standing in the midst of questions swirling at my feet. knowing full well that the closure i seek, may never come….
Lord, i dont trust you. there, i said it. i dont. i know i should, but i dont…. and i dont know if this matters, but i will follow you anyway.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 
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April 2, 2007 at 11:25 pm
April
Just a thought…If love in itself is not merely a feeling but an act of unselfishness. Then, is trust the same type of thing? Can it be that trust is more of an act of stepping out, than it is a feeling of confidence and assurance? Because, I can feel that an airplane is going to land me safely, but until I get onto it and let it fly me somewhere, I have not activated that trust. So too with our hearts. You said at the end of your post that you did not trust God, but you would follow Him anyways. Maybe you do not feel the confidence and assurance that all will be well…yet. But deep down inside, you know that He is the way, and you follow. To me, that is more trust than standing on the ground as the plane disappears into the horizon with all the confidence and self-assurance that it will make it safely to its destination…without you.
April 3, 2007 at 12:22 am
sirpjtheknight
thank you april. you have no idea how much those words mean.
June 1, 2007 at 11:53 pm
Doug C.
I struggled with trust in the past, but then I read what Jesus said – “Trust no man.” So now I trust in only the Lord. I have interactions with people on a daily basis. Everyone does. The Lord knows this and He advised us that we would have to live in this world, for a little while, but not to live as the world does. So I can work and associate with people on a daily basis, but deep down I know my trust is in the Lord to get me through each day.
I used to believe I needed a “significant other” and in fact my whole world revolved around this illusion. Then one day the Lord set me free from this mind trap and showed me that I did not need anyone more significant than Him. True we have to love one another, but we should love as Jesus loves. We should allow Him to guide our actions, emotions, and thoughts.
Remember that Abram just heard God say “Go…” He did not know where. He did not need an explanation. Knowing the Lord would never steer him wrong he just went. I think of this often when I’m faced with any change in my own life and the anxiety that often accompanies it; When the Lord told Abram ‘Go…’, he went (Genesis 12:1-2).
Amen.