life changes. and with those changes come the responsiblity to grow and adapt and become better for them. sometimes those changes are sudden, unexpected and unwanted… all we can do is react, recover and eventually, move on. other times though, those changes are good things. very good things.

my sisters leave in 3 days. for school. for a year. wow. this is a good thing btw.

being the over protective older brother is going to change now. it will have to. but it needs to. you see, they’re ready to go. and beyond that, they need to go.

i have no doubt in my mind that this will be the beginning of their time to fly. this will be their time to find their wings, what truly makes their hearts beat… and fly.

or as someone once said to me… run.

i am so proud of them. proud of who they are becoming. of how beautiful they are.. and i am so immensely excited of what this year will be for them. the first year, literally, of the rest of their lives.

and so the challenge comes…. after this. after friday… whats next? for me?

to be honest. im not sure. im struggling with how to segue into this. i wrote the below a few nights ago. and at the time, i felt the need to sit on it.

i cannot promise it makes sense, but its a part of my heart. a part of what ive been feeling the past few weeks. and who knows, it may even be a part of my future.

——

where do you go? where do you go when you’re looking for a father? where does one learn how to live the life of a Godly man when there is no Godly man to show him? how are we expected to find our way down this road, without a guide? how am i supposed to learn about love? about really truly loving a woman for all that she is, with all that i am and all that i have, for all of eternity… without seeing it done?

this journey into manhood, without a father, is something i would never wish upon anyone. its like being asked to find your way through the wilderness, to the man your supposed to be… without knowing the way, a general direction, or even what the final destination is supposed to look like.

when all you ever learned was inadequacy, was unworthiness, was what ‘not’ to do… how do you take that and translate it into action? into a direction? into a hope for the future?

….

how do i take what i see, what i feel… how do i tell her that im going crazy. that im terrified of feeling this way because i dont know how to love her the way i want to. that all i know, all i was ever shown was how to screw up the best thing that was ever given to you?

what do i do with this? with this gift, this… seeing this beauty? how do i tell her? do i tell her? am i crazy? is this just a pipe dream of a boy who died so long ago?

….

if anything, i am still learning. im still learning that there is healing that still needs to take place. that there are places in my heart where, at most, you will find insecurity and uncertainty.

the longer i live, the more i realize that only a true father can raise sons into true manhood. and if there is a promise i cling to, its that there is One who will put the fatherless into families.

You promised. and now, i’m asking for you to fulfill that promise. i need a Father, and if all i’ll ever have is you… then help me. help me to become the man i so want to be. for me. for her, wherever she may be.

——

all i know is this:

with tremendous blessing and change, comes the challenge. to not become stagnant. to not settle. to continue to look up, look for the next thing God has for you. the challenge to never let anything satisfy that isnt what God has designed just for you.

so as my sisters transition into their change… as they step into their futures. as they move into the amazing futures that God has destined specifically for each of them…. i can only say one thing….

run!

p.s.
go. hear. and hope.
http://blog.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms
and
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

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