now playing: mutemath – stall out, demon hunter – lead me home, lifehouse – broken

roles confuse me.  they do.

maybe not roles in general.  but more so, my role; my role confuses me.  i dont know who im supposed to be.  and at times, that can be the most disheartening thing to face.

the word ‘responsiblity’ has been on my mind a lot recently.  i’ve been trying to figure out my responsibilities about a lot of different situations.  trying to figure out where responsibility and life intermingle, and where responsibility ends, and real life begins.

because right now, responsibility does not = life.  at least, not right now.

not when your dad has lost his job, again.  and doesnt have the money to buy gas to come see you at starbucks.  not when he wants you, needs you to teach him to use a computer because he cant (or wont) find work in the areas that he is skilled in.  not when you realize he’s little more than 5 years from retirement age (65).  and you honestly start asking yourself if you could live your life knowing your father wound up homeless.

where does responsiblity start?  and where does it end?  at what point did i become the father.  and he the son?

someone once said that the desire for companionship, for finding that one you were designed to be with, for finding one of the largest parts of a life worth living… was only a human desire.

sir, i respectfully disagree.

why? because.  i exist.  because even in the midst of my parents marriage disintegrating,  in the midst of my life falling apart in so many ways. i exist.

and im still here.

good can, and does come from the worst of circumstances.  and im living proof of it.

i dont have all the answers.  and sometimes, the questions seen overwhelming.  and you know what?  sometimes i catch my own reflection, and i can see the questions.  the questioning.  staring at me.  staring me down.  running and ruining so much of my life.

here i stand.  and to be honest, even with all this… i have so much to be thankful for.  i have friends all over the nation.  i have a family i love.  a job that loves me.  and a savior who is patient.

so despite my doubts, and fears, and obvious inability to figure this life out.  i’m going to continue my search.  my search for hope.  my search for purpose.  my search for a life worth living.  it may not come the way i expect it.  there may be pain, but there will be home.  there will be joy.  there will be love.

and i will live this life.