now playing: mutemath – stall out, demon hunter – lead me home, lifehouse – broken
roles confuse me. they do.
maybe not roles in general. but more so, my role; my role confuses me. i dont know who im supposed to be. and at times, that can be the most disheartening thing to face.
the word ‘responsiblity’ has been on my mind a lot recently. i’ve been trying to figure out my responsibilities about a lot of different situations. trying to figure out where responsibility and life intermingle, and where responsibility ends, and real life begins.
because right now, responsibility does not = life. at least, not right now.
not when your dad has lost his job, again. and doesnt have the money to buy gas to come see you at starbucks. not when he wants you, needs you to teach him to use a computer because he cant (or wont) find work in the areas that he is skilled in. not when you realize he’s little more than 5 years from retirement age (65). and you honestly start asking yourself if you could live your life knowing your father wound up homeless.
where does responsiblity start? and where does it end? at what point did i become the father. and he the son?
someone once said that the desire for companionship, for finding that one you were designed to be with, for finding one of the largest parts of a life worth living… was only a human desire.
sir, i respectfully disagree.
why? because. i exist. because even in the midst of my parents marriage disintegrating, in the midst of my life falling apart in so many ways. i exist.
and im still here.
good can, and does come from the worst of circumstances. and im living proof of it.
i dont have all the answers. and sometimes, the questions seen overwhelming. and you know what? sometimes i catch my own reflection, and i can see the questions. the questioning. staring at me. staring me down. running and ruining so much of my life.
here i stand. and to be honest, even with all this… i have so much to be thankful for. i have friends all over the nation. i have a family i love. a job that loves me. and a savior who is patient.
so despite my doubts, and fears, and obvious inability to figure this life out. i’m going to continue my search. my search for hope. my search for purpose. my search for a life worth living. it may not come the way i expect it. there may be pain, but there will be home. there will be joy. there will be love.
and i will live this life.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 
5 comments
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November 20, 2007 at 8:40 pm
April
“there may be pain, but there will be home. there will be joy. there will be love.
and i will live this life.”
Amen, PJ.
November 21, 2007 at 12:04 am
Doug C.
The only reason you would disagree with that statement is because your mind is focused on your desires, instead of the Lord.
You don’t have to look very far; Jesus is our hope (1 Timothy 1:1). You seem to always forget this for some reason. It is during the trials and tribulations of this life that people often forget we have victory over everything in life through Jesus.
“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
My own father really hasn’t been close with me since I can’t remember when. Most of my life I knew only my mother as a parent; my father was always going from job to job and leaving a lot of the responsibilities heaped on my mother’s shoulders.
But I digress….other people’s problems are not mine, unless I chose to make them mine, which I don’t. When I see someone in need the Lord has taught me to stop and pray for them. Many times I don’t know what to pray, but I know the Holy Spirit is there with me.
“Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. (Rom. 8:26)
Quite often praying for a person is all you can really do. It is far more beneficial than complaining about the person or the situation. My father is still the way he is, but I am not my father. His life and the choices he has made (or hasn’t made) are his to deal with.
Trust in the Lord for the outcome of all things. Do not worry about others or yourself, for worrying is of the devil. Commit your path to the Lord and allow Him to guide you in all your ways. Only then will you have peace – in your mind and your spirit.
November 26, 2007 at 5:02 am
mattiep42
I feel like a dork commenting again, but I must! I agree with Doug that it’s a human desire, but thats all I agree with Doug about. 🙂 I didnt read the rest of what he said. What I want to add is that human desires DO bring about good and amazing things. Human desires glorify GOd and are signs of His goodness.With or without that intention of glorifying God. Your desire can be come ever more fruitful for yourself if you turn it into prayer and realize that this is how Christ desires you. He wants you to wake up and realize that he is by your side all the time, trying to woo you with flowers, and wanting more intimacy.
November 28, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Doug
God wants us to learn self control in our walk, otherwise we will be like the man who is tossed to and fro on the sea, unsure of what to do (James 1:6, Ephesians 4:14).
“Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.” (2 Peter 1:2-4)
Lust being human desires.
“But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control…” (2 Peter 1:5-6)
Self control over our human desires, for they are of the flesh, not of God.
November 28, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Doug
Concerning desires (the human ones) here is an uplifting Scripture:
“Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am tempted by God’; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” (James 1:12-15)
Amen.