now playing: firelight – the healing of harms

i wrote the following just a few weeks after my Grandfathers death, and just days before Christmas.

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now playing: the best of passion: so far
i watched matrix: revolutions this evening. the first time since i saw it in theaters 4 years ago. and towards the end of the movie… my mind wandered. and i was back in that theater, 4 years ago. with friends. people i love. living life.
and thats what made me realize… how much has changed. how far i am now, from who i was then. and, in some aspects, that nothing has changed at all.and i realized that i run.

i run because im afraid. afraid of not being good enough. i run because somewhere along the way i bought into the lie that if i just worked hard enough, if i just gave enough, if i just never let my guard down… if i was good enough, life would work out.

i still believe that. i know its not true. but its easy.

its far to often that i hide myself away from the quieter moments of life. that i move on to the next thing that just ‘has’ to be done… instead of attending to that voice. that voice that calls me to stop. slow down and listen.

i dont wait any longer. i dont stop. and simply listen. i run. in my own way. i run.

my father, asked me for money. so he could get home for his own fathers funeral.

how do you handle that? how do you handle talking to your father when he asks for that? what are you supposed to do?

ive never felt so incredibly small and alone in my entire life.

you can say what you will about who God is. about His character, and His love and His amazing plans for my life… those 2 minutes on the phone with my father solidified in my mind how incredibly screwed up my future could be.

i want a father. a real father.

someone who would be there when i blow out a tire and nearly get into a car accident. there for questions. there to help with the oil change. just freakin there.

a father is supposed to be the one you call when you need to be bailed out. when you need cash. when you need help or someone to get the mail while your out of state.

im afraid of authority. i am.

im afraid of those in authority. of father-figures. im afraid of God. not in that holy fear that we’re all supposed to have… but im honestly afraid of Him. im afraid of being rejected. so i do the rejecting. im afraid of not being good enough, so i dont slow down long enough to hear anything different.

maybe that sounds stupid to you. but its something i realized a few weeks ago. i have a massive misconception of authority. i dont trust. especially other men. i just dont.

and that spills over into my relationship with my Creator. it does. and it hurts.

i find it much easier to believe the lies i tell myself when i dont slow down. these whitewashed walls look so much nicer when their simply a blur as i pass by them. i dont notice the cracks. i dont notice the paint peeling. and most importantly, i dont allow myself to notice that im the one who painted them so haphazardly.

i know id be further along… more the man i want to be than i am today; if i simply allowed myself to slow down. if i didnt attack my work like it was something to be conquered. if i learned that there is life in the quiet. that there is hope, and rest, and a future to be found.

that there is still a plan for this existence.

………………………………….

honesty always comes with a price. it really doesn’t matter if your simply being honest with yourself, or confessing a wrong to someone you’ve hurt. there is always a price for honesty. sometimes that cost is simply knowing you’ve got to face something ugly.

and whether we realize it or not, those decisions are based on the value of what it costs to be honest. sometimes, we simply conclude its easier to believe a lie or not deal with that issue, and simply hope things go away. it doesnt go away. ever. it simply gets covered over by life.

reading my own words above i know that not everything was ‘correct’.  but i couldnt change it.  because like it or not, its a part of me.  im human, and i wanted to be honest.  i cannot promise that everything i write will be right. because it wont.  i cannot even promise that i’ll always be honest, because i wont. but i will try.

2008 is here. like it or not, im now 28:-) (yay me!). and there is hope. there will be moments of having to face the ugliness of honesty. but im learning that its in those moments that we find hope. that we find true life, friendship, and reasons for living.

….you will be secure, because there is hope.
–job 11:8