i’m slowly coming to the realization that loneliness is one of the worst feelings one can grapple with. it attacks the very core of who we are, the very substance that we yearn to hold on to, to believe about ourselves. that being; that we are lovely, lovable, and worth fighting for.

abandonment.

its terrifying.

and i still struggle with its effects. with the feeling that i wasn’t worth enough for others to stick around. that i was somehow unclean, broken. or just not valuable.

i dont even like typing those words out. because it goes against everything i believe about myself. but it speaks volumes about my heart. and, who i am when no one is looking.

and to be honest, i dont know who that is.

….

growing up, for a boy, was supposed to be full of moments in time where he progresses to the next level. moments where he is closer to becoming that man that he is destined to be. the first time he pounds a nail without bending it. the first time he feels the heft of a double barrel shotgun. his first campout, or ball game. his first girlfriend, and his first broken heart. the first time he stands up for what is right and it really really costs him.

these moments, marked by destiny, were designed to usher him into the man he is to become. but these moments will shatter him if the guidance isnt there. if the presence of an older male isnt there to lead, and tell him he’s doing well.

its during those times we find out what being a man is all about. we glimpse the life we’re destined to live. we learn sacrifice, we learn to fight, and we learn that there are people in our lives worth fighting for.

we were meant to see our dads loving on our moms. to see him stand up for what was right, even when it hurt. and to see him rush to our aid when we needed him.

seeing these things help paint the picture in the boys eyes of who a man is supposed to be. of what makes a man, a man. it rewires his DNA. it tells him whats possible. and it affirms him.

….

i say i dont know who i am, because honestly, i dont.

i dont know what makes me a man. i dont feel like one.

i want to know where he was. and why i was so damaged that he wasnt there. what did i do? how could i have been so bad that you weren’t there?

i learned a lot from him. i learned how to be distant. and not let anyone in. i learned how to not love a woman. and how not to raise my kids. i learned how horribly one person can destroy others lives. and i learned that the scars from abuse is something that one will always carry with them.

i have to believe that there was a reason. that there is some good that can come of this. that somewhere out there, is the affirmation i need. the promise that, yes, i’m becoming the man i want to be. that there is someone out there worth fighting for. worthing giving my all. worth throwing it all away just to be with them.

im holding onto the promises that i’ve heard.

i’m hanging on
to the words You say
You said that i will
be ok

in my opinion, there is no harder battle that a boy will face, than to distance himself from his fathers shadow. for his father was supposed to be the one person on earth that he wanted to be like. when that is broken? nothing. else. works.

because we lose our ability to trust. and that breaks everything.

i know you didnt
bring me our here to drown
so why am i ten feet under
and upside down?

barley surviving
has become my purpose
cos im so used to living
underneath the surface

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i would see you
this darkness would turn to light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes

i know everything will be alright