life will never satisfy. not in and of itself.

im realizing that no pursuit, project, pay raise or job change, no promotion or position will ever truly meet the yearning one feels. meet the yearning i feel.

someone challenged me recently to get real. it wasnt so much a direct challenge, as it was the way she lives her life. the depth of honesty she was offering. it was beautiful. and terrifying. isnt that the way with true beauty though? it is terrifying.

we dont know what to do with true beauty when we come across it. we dont know how to respond. it’s so rare that for most people, we shy away when we actually catch a glimpse of it. it forces us to realize that there is so. much. more. and we’ve only seen the smallest part of the surface.

it shows us reckless love. and reckless love, is exactly what we all crave.

true beauty shows us that it exists. that once upon a time, 2000 years ago, One man died, to allow us to experience that beautiful, terrifying, reckless love.

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im single, 28. and yes, i work hard in making myself an attractive guy. i work hard, i’m sucessful…. i work out, eat right, and all those things that a 28 year old is supposed to do to be attractive to the opposite sex.

and as hard as i try, to uphold my ideals of what a man is, of what i should be… all the facades and masks that i pretend make me who i am….

none of it matters.  its a lie. the whitewash over the walls.

reckless love. ruins all those who come in contact with it. we realize how desperate we are. and how much we, i need that love.

the truth is, i needed that reckless love just as much as anyone else. im no different from the ex-con, the murder, or the rapist. and lovely or not, attractive or not, if it wasnt for that once upon a time, 2000 years ago…. i wouldnt be here.

you want reality? thats about as real as i can get. i’m a big nobody that a huge Somebody loved with a reckless love. and although ive run from him hundreds of times… although ive at times, spat in His face, He still loves me.

even though i don’t understand it, and more often then not, dont believe it. He does. He loves me. and that is who i am. a nobody. loved by a Somebody. and if thats all i’ve got. then that is enough.

and i will be satisfied.