the road we’re called to walk is very rarely paved.  almost without fail, we’re caught offguard by how rough it can be.  we’re thrown a curveball.  we find out that the husband of a coworker just died… a coworker who was your age.  who has two little ones.  or a conversation with a family member doesnt go well, and your eyes are opened to how bad things really are.

its in those moments we look even harder for a purpose.  for a reason for this madness.  for some semblance of hope amidst the chaos.  some pattern that speaks of a plan, of a purpose.  that speaks to the truth that this isnt all random.  and that we’re not alone.

that im not alone.

and thats really where i find myself tonight.  both knowing, and hoping, that i wont be alone.

i’m waiting.  waiting for whats next.  hoping, that ive done what i needed to do.  that ive taken the steps to become the man im supposed to be.  hoping that ive found this healing, and that it is real.  that it sticks, that i continue to heal.  hoping that i wont give up.  and that the changes im seeing, are forever changes.

because in all honesty, that’s the life i want to live.  a forever life.  a life that knows its not any more important than it actually is.  a life that knows its here to serve, to love, and to find meaning in all of this.

a life that proclaims, and points, to purpose.  to hope. a life that finds its purpose in the Author of my story…. and i honestly truly hope that this story finds itself intertwined with another.

but throughout this week ive been reminded that this hope, this desire for another, cannot ever be my goal.  because whomever she is, she will not complete me.  and i will never be completeness to her.

unless i find my entirety, my being, my self worth and unconditional love at the foot of the cross of the Author of my story, i will never be complete.  and i will never be the man i need to be. my story will never be filled with the passion, the compassion, the joy and fire and vivacity i so yearn to see, unless i continually allow the author to have his way.  i will never experience the love i so long to give, unless i find it first in Him. the canvas of my life will never be filled with the colors in my heart, i do not have the ability to bring them out.  not in and of myself.  but He does.  the Author does.  and it is there i will find life.  i will find love.  and i will find hope.

i still hold the belief
that we are free
that we don’t need the rules to see
that despite what we’ve done
we’re not alone
we’re closer than we think to home