a phrase i throw around with altogether too much abandon.  but in this case, for tonight, i use it as it should be used.

because only God could have known how December would turn out.  that i’d have surgery, react to the anesthesia, be sicker than I’d ever been, ride in an ambulance, and be out of work for almost 2 weeks.

its a weird feeling.  and its strange timing.

i was given a promotion the morning before i had a doctors appointment.  5 hours after the doctors appointment, i was being prepped for surgery.  and two days later, i was headed back to the hospital, in the back of an ambulance.

i’m ok.  i am.  and even with all that has transpired, my physical body is ok.  it is.  the reaction to the anesthesia was easily controlled within minutes of getting back to the hospital.  and by that afternoon, i was a new man.  so please, whatever you do, my point tonight is not for you to worry about me.  its not.

its to set the stage.

to share with you how crazy December has been.

its me, realizing that i’ve found my identity not in my calling, or doing good, not in my Savior, or His promises of who i am, but in my work.  and its me, realizing that after not being at work for so long…. i feel lost.

i feel lost because i found myself in my work.  in clock-punching.  not in serving, or in worship, or in falling at the feet of the One who gave His all so that i could live this life.

but in work.

its not an easy thing to learn and its even harder to act on.  its one thing entirely to say that one trusts God when one just received a promotion.  its another thing entirely when one hasnt been at work a full day since receiving said promotion.  and knowing that ‘restructuring’ occurred while you were out recovering.

its one thing entirely to trust Him when your finances are steady, and you trust that your job will be there in the morning.  its something else entirely when you’re physically incapable of going to work.  and you’re left to face your fears, your shortcomings, and your realizations that you found your value in what you did.  and not who you are… or who He is.

its me, realizing that my priorities are wrong.  and that even if i am out for another week, or even two weeks, that my identity isnt in my job.  that its not in promotion, or loss… its not in being successful or failing… its knowing that my identity stands in the love of the One who came for me.

it’s Christmas.  the season of hope.  of new beginnings.  of a promise birthed 2000 years ago in a manger.  a promise, made to me, that life wasn’t just clock-punching, that there is a calling on my life and on yours.  and job or not, promotion or not, happy bank account, or not a dime to my name…. that He is trustworthy.

so, here i stand.  my priorities are messed up, and i’m afraid.  because i’ve lost who i am, who i really am.  but this is Christmas.  so i’ll fall at the feet of the One who came for me, and i’ll be ok.

Caedmon’s Call – Ten Thousand Angels

how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you

against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you

so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you

ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you

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