why is it that i feel that if im not worrying about something, if there isnt some burden im carrying, then im missing something?  that im not doing enough?

what is it about worry that makes me fear not worrying?  its as if i feel that if im not doing it all, being it all, trying with all, then i’m somehow incomplete.

why have i bought into the belief that im not supposed to be happy?  that real, true joy isnt obtainable?  that i dont believe this peace that passes all understanding is actually something i should have access to?  that i’m somehow less worthy of that gift?

to be honest, i just contradicted myself.  a gift, in its truest form, is never deserved.  dictionary.com says something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.

nannyk8 has been talking a lot about the fear of the other shoe.  and i think i find myself in the same situation.  fear of the other shoe dropping.  and somehow i convinced myself that if i only did enough, i could keep the fraying shoestring from breaking.

i think life is more about facing those fraying shoe strings, and in some cases even cutting them, than it is about frantically trying to keep those shoes from falling.

because if we’re honest with ourselves, we realize we cannot hope that the shoe wont drop.  not in this world.  chances are that it will, or if it doesnt, another one will take its place.

thats not fatalism, thats simple honesty.  we live in a world where it’s impossible to avoid pain.  even when we want to.

i’m beginning to actually get the fact that trust is of no value when there is nothing risked.  im finally beginning to understand that in trusting the one i call my saviour, i must learn to stop worrying.  i must learn to actually trust Him.

someone once said we’ll only ever grow as far, and go as far in life as we allow ourselves to learn.  as much as that is factual, im beginning to believe we’ll only grow as far and go as far in life as we’re willing to trust Him.

it isnt trust unless something is risked.  it isnt perfect peace unless you trust Him.  it isnt living unless you know this perfect peace.

those are truths i know in my head.  i can recite, and in some situations, i stand on those promises.  but there are still times when i find myself picking up a burden too large for my shoulders.  and even though i see Him standing there, offering to take my burden… i still pretend like i’ve got it.  like i’m in control and that somehow carrying this weight that i wasnt destined to lift, is normal.

i convince myself that i know better than He does.  and it’s all because i fear trusting Him.  i fear letting go.

it isnt life, unless you trust Him with it.

He doenst promise that the shoe wont drop, but He promises to be there, even if it does.  He promises to never leave.  and He promises to guide us through the fire if indeed, that shoe drops.

David Crowder Band – Can I Lie Here

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