i think im finally beginning to see what it is that im being hurled towards.  i think im finally grasping what im fighting through the crowds to see.  to obtain.  i think im finally beginning to see what this towering inferno is.  what it represents.

my fears.

my fears of being found out.  of letting someone in.  of that someone i let in, finding out.  that im fallible.  and in so many ways, a failure.

ive lived my life only allowing certain pieces of who i am to show.  terrified of not being accepted for who i truly am, for what i truly like.  for the mistakes ive made, for the passions ive buried deep and for the things that break my heart.

as far back as i can remember, my heart has longed for a guidebook for this journey.  a handbook on how to be me, 10 steps to becoming a man of God and other neat things….. or something to that effect.  a map, or even a street sign simply pointing me down the road i’m supposed to walk.

maybe i’m beginning to learn that it’s less of a road, and more of a direction, or a goal.  maybe this towering inferno i’m running to isnt so much something found on a map, but the construct of decades of living in fear.  and maybe thats why i know i need to get to the top.  to stand there, amidst the flames.

and watch my fears burn.

The Civil Wars – Poison & Wine