i think im finally beginning to see what it is that im being hurled towards. i think im finally grasping what im fighting through the crowds to see. to obtain. i think im finally beginning to see what this towering inferno is. what it represents.
my fears.
my fears of being found out. of letting someone in. of that someone i let in, finding out. that im fallible. and in so many ways, a failure.
ive lived my life only allowing certain pieces of who i am to show. terrified of not being accepted for who i truly am, for what i truly like. for the mistakes ive made, for the passions ive buried deep and for the things that break my heart.
as far back as i can remember, my heart has longed for a guidebook for this journey. a handbook on how to be me, 10 steps to becoming a man of God and other neat things….. or something to that effect. a map, or even a street sign simply pointing me down the road i’m supposed to walk.
maybe i’m beginning to learn that it’s less of a road, and more of a direction, or a goal. maybe this towering inferno i’m running to isnt so much something found on a map, but the construct of decades of living in fear. and maybe thats why i know i need to get to the top. to stand there, amidst the flames.
and watch my fears burn.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 
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December 6, 2009 at 7:35 am
kate
I think the only way you can truly be loved is to let someone see all of you. And that means seeing the parts that aren’t so loveable (in your opinion). Deron loves me despite my terrible stomach, my overwhelming urges to sabotage us and the ways I have tried to do so, my complaining, whining, fussing, etc etc etc etc… and the ways I have failed. He knows about the job loss, the frustrations, the ways I worry about every single step I take, and he’s still there. And to be honest, it’s freeing. I feel safe for once.
And it allows me to admit those fears to everyone else. (hence saying it here).
I love you Peej. Exactly the way you are. I know I don’t know everything, but what I know is that you are a man who is trying his damnedest to be better in all things. You are someone I admire for that, for the courage you show, for the love you have, for the way you stand up for what you believe in.
And I’m lucky you’ve let me be part of your life. I can’t wait to meet the woman you will share your life with. Because she will see all that and much more and love you more than me. And that’s a lot.
*hugs*