why is it that i always run?

it’s my coping mechanism.  i keep myself as busy as possible to ignore my own pain.  and it took this past week for me to actually realize this.  that i’m in pain, that i hurt.  that there are things inside of me that hurt in ways i didnt know possible.  and to avoid the pain, to stay in front of it, i run.  i pack my workday with work, my evenings with more work, and when i’m not working im distracting myself with a book, excercise, tv, music or any number of other ‘medications’.  anything, as long as it dulled the pain.

i run.

because i didnt want to feel.

this week, forced me to slow down.

in just a few short hours my final day of vacation ends.  and to be honest, i dont know what to do.  this past week was a waterfall to a parched land.  it was life, breathed into me.

this week reminded me of so much.  i saw beauty.  pure, untouched beauty placed inside of those who call me friend.  i saw friendship, in its most amazing state.  i saw love.  new love between those recently married.  and old love, tried by fire but burning brightly between those closer to being grandparents and great-grandparents than newlyweds.

i said hello to new things, and goodbye to the old.

the flashes of brilliant light no longer offered just a peek into the beauty and future of someone i cared for, but a glimpse into my own life.  into the promises that have been on hold.  the promises i had given up on.  the promises of joy, of color, of friendship and beauty, the promises of redemption and of love.

the promises that, if i’m honest, i thought were gone.

but most of all, i saw beauty.

there were moments when all i wanted to do was watch, see how these amazing people lived their lives.  stand in awe of the simple fact that they call me friend.  i slowed down.  and i was caught unaware, by the beauty that was all around me.

the pain came too.  it did.  and it will continue to do so.  but im going to work through that.  i’m going to unpack the garage and find my heart again.

because i now know im not alone.

and beyond all the other blessings this week held, knowing that, knowing that i’m not alone, is worth more to me than anything i’ve ever been given.

beth and aaron, jenna and pete, val, robbie, denis, wendy, jen, april – thank you.

Future of Forestry – Slow Your Breath Down

this chest is full of memories
of gold and silver tears
i’ll give you more to own than all of this
and i’ll give you more than years
for you were once a child of innocence
and i see you just the same
your burdens couldnt win or lose a thing
oh i’d tell you once again
but you’re always on the run

slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now, oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now, oh
you can trust in love again

if you leave, i’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
i’ll take you back a thousand times again
and i’ll take you as my own
i will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run

slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now oh
you can trust in love again

you’re not alone
you’re now a part of me
you feel the cure
i feel the toil it brought you