there are nights when i find it difficult to breathe.  when a tightness constricts my chest.  nights when i wonder if ive done what i should have.  if my past, dictates my future.

nights when i wonder what could have happened.  if only id done or not done….

nights when the worries of this world, the storm of voices swirling around my head, voices of accusation, self-doubt, my own fears and concerns, never let up.

there are nights when the questions i never allow myself to verbalize keep me up much later than i sometimes let on.

some time ago, i wrote about (eve), and although at the time i didnt make the post public, i felt i should.  why?  because so much of what started with that post is still at work within me.

so much of what im going through right now, rediscovering my heart, my passion, what fills me, and makes me alive, started with that post.  with realizing that in some respects, if you’re a single male over the age of 18, you’re an (adam).

you’re walking through this life doing your best to become the man you want to be.  if you’re lucky, you’ve had men in your life who’ve shown you the ropes, who’ve guided you through the confusing world of women, responsibilities, and what it means to be a man.

if you’re really lucky, you’ve had a man who knew the value of the wilderness.  who has fought his own battles and has the scars to prove it.  a man who understands what it feels like to be alone, and to strike out on his own.  a man who knows what failure feels like, and who knows what its like to pick himself up, and move on.

a man who’s faced his demons, and is the better for it.

a man who may walk, in so many ways, with a limp, but in all purposes of the word, a man.

a man who understands who his God is.  who knows intimately what it means to depend on someone greater than him.  and by default of his willingness to learn and lean on His great God, a man who knows the value of the woman by His side.

and if you were to ask this woman, if she knew she was loved, there would be no doubt in her eyes as she gave you her answer.

i keep coming back to this, but there is great value in the process.  in going through what we’ve been called to go through.

and tonight, that is what i’m going to cling to.  i am going to realize that i am really, really lucky.  because i have a man i can follow.  One who understands the value of the wilderness.  One who has faced demons, and bears the scars to prove it.  a man who understood feeling alone, and what it means to walk a road no one has walked before.  a man who understands our failures more intimately than we do.

a man who in every meaning of the word, is a man

i am going to depend on this Someone greater than me.  i am going to rest in the truth that my past does not dictate my future.  i am going to trust, that He is greater than anything i will face in this life.

and i’m going to pray the same for you.

Future of Forestry – All I Want

I will go where glory meets the crude and weak
I will go where mercy meets the shame
I will go where strength will find the small and meek
I will go where magic meets mundane

And Youre all I want, Youre all I want
Youre all Ill find
You have my heart forever
You are all that I could need

I will go where grace and healing love restores
I will go where peace and rest is known
I will go where friendship finds my heart in yours
I will go where beauty leads me home