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its amazing how many things i realize only in the context of explaining that ‘thing’ to someone else.like, why on earth was i NOT notified of my mother having my father sign papers? i mean… come on.
how am i supposed to feel if i wasnt told of anything until AFTER the decision had been made for me?
what decision? oh yeah… my father is now NEVER allowed back in new york.
home.
my father is never allowed back home.
my mother made this decision… and i was not told until afterwards… its not like i would have argued or fought the choice, but come on. im 23 years old…
im old enough to be on my own. have my own apartment. to pick up the shattered remains of our house and get it in shape to be sold. im old enough to have handled more than most 23 year olds but im not old enough to have been told about something that will directly impact the rest of my life?
how was i supposed to feel? im not sure.
but ill tell you how i do feel. betrayed. hurt. and suddenly… very very worthless.
how much value is placed on how im feeling through all of this, if i wasnt even valued enough to be told of it before it happened?
all of this hit me, in a single moment. while, in explaining to a friend how i was feeling, i let a sentence trail off. and in the silence following…
the truth began to scream.
alrighty now… back up and runnin!
ok… seriously pissed off. blogger is actin really really funny.
facing the past. the facts. and the future.im hoping that tonite.. will at least accomplish some of that.
see, ive been keeping myself insanely busy over the past 2.5 weeks for a very specific purpose. march 19th 2002. my parents officially filed for divorce.
i hoenstly didnt believe that knowing it was officially official would be that hard. i was wrong.
i know for a fact that im sitting here trying to make myself feel what i know is boiling inside of me. but even tonite i know im barely scratching the surface of whats going on inside of me. see, what i would like to do, would be to keep everything inside in a pretty lil box with a cute lil bow on it and only take out the items in the box when i have time, and the ability to deal with them. but that seldomly happens. besides, i cant tie a bow to save my life…
what does happen is that the pressure continously builds until ‘pop’… or ‘kaboom’ or ‘insert loud explosion sound of your choice here’.
anyway, along with the new look to the site, a new title. shamelessly copied from ‘the beautiful letdown’ by switchfoot….
::drumroll::
this is my life.. am i who i want to be?
tada. [insert any and all fanfare here]
well. obviously my session of attempting to deal with the inner turmoil is going nowhere. fast. so i am going to call it a nite. and just click post and maybe pay my verizon bill.
sounds like a plan….
it isnt fun. its never something we ask for. its something we’d just as soon avoid. sometimes, we even run from it.but at the end of the day…. when all i have are the thoughts in my head… it all comes down to that word.
i feel so frustrated by the extreme lack of the english language to convey how intense, how passionate, how crushing… my emotions are.
take for instance the word “miss”. as in “i miss so and so”. that is the most understated word you could use for what i feel about my family.
new topic.
for the past 18 months ive lived without the direct influence of my parents. as of last week wednesday, i will now never again live with the influence of my father. and its funny, im hurting for… longing for… craving… all of a sudden… for the type of relationship that he and i never had.
thats it… im done for tonite.
but i will leave you with this…
there is no lonlier feeling on this earth… than to go to bed with no one to say goodnite too. its a simple thing, i know. but id give all i have for one more goodnite kiss from my mom….
new view for the site… tell me whatcha think… that is, whenever i get comments back up here.
sleepless eyes open wide
under heaven i stand again
if there is no winning this war tonite
could you please stop my spinning head?
war has been declared.
in more ways than one….
you don’t remember me but i remember you
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream?
and dream i do…
i believe in you
i’ll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you’re taking over me
not exactly sure of a title for tonite. i was thinking of something akin to “the beginning of the end“… but that sounded way to cliche-ish.
alhtough, for all intensive purposes… yesterday did mark, officially, the beginning of the end…
oh screw it.
for tonite-
evanesence
whisper
catch me as i fall
say you’re here and it’s all over now
speaking to the atmosphere
no one’s here and i fall into myself
this truth drives me into madness
i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away
don’t turn away
don’t give in to the pain
don’t try to hide
though they’re screaming your name
don’t close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
don’t turn out the light
never sleep never die
i’m frightened by what i see
but somehow i know that there’s much more to come
immobilized by my fear
and soon to be blinded by tears
i can stop the pain if i will it all away
don’t turn away
don’t give in to the pain
don’t try to hide
though they’re screaming your name
don’t close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
don’t turn out the light
never sleep never die
fallen angels at my feet
whispered voices at my ear
death before my eyes
lying next to me i fear
she beckons me shall i give in
upon my end shall i begin
forsaking all i’ve fallen for i rise to meet the end
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 