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have you ever just stood outside and watched a thunderstorm roll in? smelled the change in the atmosphere? you almost sense that the earth knows that something violent, powerful and ultimately cleansing is coming. something of supreme beauty, and ultimately, danger.
have you ever stood outside and felt the first drops, promising the torrents that will come?
have you ever stood there and felt the temperature plunge? watched the trees as their peaceful slumber is interrupted and they’re transformed from sleeping beauties into a writhing mass of leaves, branches and wind?
thunderstorms in texas are unlike any storms you’ll find on earth. jade green clouds, a brisk vibrancy on the wind; the atmosphere itself is almost electric. its like all the earth stands still in anticipation.
and a thunderstorm at night? it can leave you breathless.
i’ve had the benefit of driving through some of the craziest storms we’ve had down here. and although i find them awesome, make no mistake that the damage they can cause, and the tornado’s they can spawn are nothing to be romanced. they are dangerous, period.
thunderstorms are a part of life, and in as much as they are dangerous, they are beautiful. they provide light where there was none.
and if you can imagine standing at the top of a precipice, the sun long set… watching a storm roll in. when it finally arrives, for the briefest of moments, the darkness of night that swallows you whole is pushed away. lightning flashes. and for that moment in time, you can see. you can see where you are, what’s next, and if you’re high enough, what’s to come.
sometimes, we’re blessed with those moments of vivid clarity for our own lives. moments when, in the midst of the storm, lightning flashes. and for that nanosecond, everything is bright. and in some small way, you’re given peace. you realize that the world, the mountain youre on, or the valley you’re in, are much larger than you are. you realize that this storm roiling over your head is beyond your capability to control. you realize how small you are, and how awesome it is to be alive during this time.
even more rare, is when the storm flashes… and we’re not given a glimpse of our lives, but the life of someone else. in that moment, the darkness is pushed back and we see how amazing their life is. we see what’s already passed, and what is to come. we see their future. the rolling green hills and the mountains that will need climbing.
in that kairos moment, we’re given a glimpse into the life of someone else. a glimpse into how the King views this person. not just as she is, but as she can be, as she will be. and if we allow ourselves, we accept the burden of knowing. and of praying. and of supporting this person. even if it means from afar.
because we realize that we weren’t given this gift of vision, to consume on ourselves. we realize, i realize… that with this glimpse comes the challenge of praying for her. and trusting that the King who granted such a wonderful glimpse…. will keep her safe. because in that split second, something was communicated to us that no amount of words could communicate. value. you realize that she’s the alluvial diamond. that this flash of daylight was a glimpse into her future. into something that is beyond me. beyond my capability to understand…. both dangerous, and beautiful. breathtakingly beautiful.
i realize how much these glimpses mean. because they are roadsigns, gifts from the King, and a sign that i’m not lost. yes, the storm may be intense, this valley may be deep, or the mountain may seem unclimbable….
but above the storm exists One who looks down… and controls all.
we we’re born with a knowing that there was more to life than a 9-5 job. it’s in lifes storms that we discover what that calling really is.
it’s a calling of hope, of passion, of sacrifice and pain and heartache. it’s a calling to live a dangerous life. and a life filled with a beauty beyond our wildest dreams.
so it is in His hands that i place her future. just because i was given the gift of lightning doesnt mean i’m to intrude. it only means that she’s climbing a mountain, or facing a valley… and she needs someone to pray for her. so i will.
i spent the majority of this week in Denver on business. and as much as the trip was a professional blessing, i found myself thinking of things completely un-work related.
i was at a company sponsored dinner last night. and as the wine flowed, and conversation came easy to those around me, something caught my attention…
i sat there, and i stared. it was simple really, it wasnt anything miraculous or breathtaking to anyone but me. it didnt cause the earth to stand still. there was no voice from heaven or angelic choir. it was the hand of my coworker. holding a wineglass. it was her left hand. and there was a beautiful ring on her finger.
and in a moment, everything around me faded away. i was transported. i wasnt at dinner surrounded by coworkers. i was lost a world beyond my physical location. wondering… wondering whose hand would sit across the table from me, every night for the rest of my life. whose ring would glitter in the dim light of the italian restaurant… whose hand would mindlessly caress her wineglass.
i wondered if i’d ever find her. and if she wonders the same thing.
later that evening… a certain someone popped into my head. and, well. i realized this:
you? you are beautiful. and its not just a physical beauty. it isnt. it emanates from who you are. from your spirit. you glow. and it makes all of who you are, beautiful.
you? you are worthy to be chased. you are worth fighting for. you are worth losing everything in life to obtain. you are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. you are worth waiting for. and worth dreaming about.
you may not see it yet, not as clearly as you will. you may not even believe it’s there, but it is. its inside you. a gift from your Creator. specific to you, and for you. and it makes you beautiful.
and even if i’m never the one to chase you, even if im not the one who sits across from you, filled with joy because you wear my ring. even if i never get the chance to tell you in person, you are worthy of pursuing. and if there was a line to stand in, i’d camp outside to be first.
you’re worthy of love. of fighting for.
you are beautiful.
something struck me earlier this evening.
2005 is almost over with.
i know, its october on the calendar. that should be a clue that “hey, the year is drawing to a close”. what hit me harder, was the fact that life still feels like its on hold.
like im circling the airport, the sunset behind me, but there isnt an open runway. my landing gear isnt dropping. “something” is keeping me from the next thing.
part of me is pushing for the next thing. part of me is hungry. unsatisfied. unwilling to accept the “now” in favor of lusting after the “next”. its a void in my life. and i know its there.
but another part of me is quietly wondering if this is the “next”. if i should stop living in the hope of a next and start living in the real of the now.
maybe its because life isnt easy. and we humans dont like to intentionally put ourselves where it hurts. but it does. losing a best friend hurts. watching your sister break down into tears at the mere thought of eating a meal hurts. being totally helpless about both of those situations… it hurts.
and the part of me that is whispering quietly about the benefit of the “now”. is quickly being drowned out by the part of me that is screaming. screaming in frustration. screaming in anger. screaming in hate. screaming in pain. screaming in fear. screaming alone.
there is supposed to be a beauty in surrendering. in learning to let go. in letting loose. there is suposed to be a beauty in giving up and giving it over to our Creator.
im beginning to believe that this beauty has more in common with an ancient shipwreck nestled in the coral at the bottom of the sea, than the beauty youd see in your local mall. its exotic. its unusual. its a beauty brought of violence. a beauty birthed with tears. a beauty that doesnt come from pampering or prestiege, but one born from loss, heartache, pain.
the difference between this beauty and the one our world worships, the one you see plastered in magazines, on tv, billboards and desired by women everywhere, the difference between true beauty and this plastic beauty is that true beauty is earned… and it cannot die.
it doesnt need to be touched up. it cannot be reapplied. it doesnt fade, warp, change or lose its luster.
true beauty is born from a brokeness within. true beauty exudes a light that no darkness, no matter how powerful, can extinguish. true beauty is both terrifying and wonderful. true beauty is a process. its a journey. and its one that requires the willingness, each and every day to step up and answer questions that you dont want to be asked. it demands all you have and when you think you’ve given all you can, it shows you more that must be given.
true beauty is horribly beautiful.
and its what i live for. or rather, what i want to live for.
so if this is “now”. if it means i need to stop panting for the “next”. then so be it. im already to the conlusion that its beyond my own power to accomplish either goal. this, more or less, is just my confession that i cannot do it. i cannot create in myself, by myself the beauty i so hunger to see. the beauty i need.
and therein lies the key.
i need.
and i cannot fulfill the need.
are we left here on our own? can you feel when your last breath is gone? night is weighing heavy now. be quite and and wait for a voice that will say…
come awake. from sleep, arise. you were dead, become alive. wake up wake up. open your eyes. climb from your grave into the light.
bring us back to life
God bless our crew….
so i seem to have this thing with becoming heavily involved in, shall we say “left of center” tv shows. first it was buffy, now – angel.
so in tonites episode, one of they key characters has a surprise visit from his father. the father being portrayed as overbearing, unapproving and downright hurtful at times pales in comparison to the final few moments of the show.
without going into plot details im sure will bore you… the episode climaxes on the roof of a highrise with the father threatening the life, the very essence, of our main characters boss/friend. the boss/friend character had a very colorful past and although he was now good… the father couldnt see past the well, past.
so you’re left with the obligatory standoff – father and son pointing guns at each other…
and just as obligatory, our main characters love interest walks into the scene at the most inoportune of times. sensing only danger for the boss/friend character, she doesnt worry about her life.
as things come to a peak, the son is able to remove the ‘weapon’ from his fathers hands. not the gun mind you… the weapon.
this, frees the boss/friend character from any threat.
during the final exchange of father-son words, the father turns the gun on sons love interest. again, very obligatory.
so i find myself sitting here knowing that there is gonna be some sort of fight scene. some form of violent confrontation between father and son. up to now, it had only been words. but that was going to change in moments.
or so i thought.
the moment… the very second the father turns his gun towards the love interest… muttering something about threating someone his son truly cares about…
bam, bam bam bam bam bam…. bam bam bam
without hesitating, our main character EMPTIES the entire 9 round clip into his father. shooting him until he hits the ground.
i sat there stunned. not because of the incredible plot twist… but because of what it said to me.
this son, destroyed his father to save the one he loved.
this son… gave up a huge part of his life for a woman who he hasnt even been totally honest with about his feelings…
without hesitation…. his life changed forever.
without hesitation.
im struck again… sitting here in my darkened apartment…. lost within my thoughts… within my heart.
i should be the one who chooses to do what i know is right… without hesitation. i should be the one preparing my heart for Him. for His presence. for His life. for His purity.
i should be ready to change my life… for the One i love… without hesitation
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 