You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Friends’ category.
let me know if some things need to be…
“taken care of”
or so it may seem.im learning that reality may be somewhat different than the above statement.
im learning that people will very rarely ever change… anything. ever. human beings are inheirently creatures of habbit. and unless they are forced to change, like cattle herded from one field to the next… they wont.
humans are stubborn… it would seem, that they would rather stay in there safe little pasture – and choose to die of starvation – than to ::gasp:: face the threatening unknown of change and actually move to a pasture that holds the hope of food most promisingly.
very rarely will you find someone who will actually accept change gladly. and more rare still, are those individuals who will actually seek out change. wether to better themselves, or for the sake of a relationship….
and im learning, that those are the people that you consider friends. those are the people you invite into your deepest secrets. they are the ones who know most about you, even if you see them only on rare occasions. they are the ones who, when you look 10 years into the future, you know that even if you’re thousands of miles apart – you will still be in contact, if only because you know that the person on the other end of that line, will change with you… no matter what life throws your way.
people have learned that there is safety in numbers. and they will constantly cling to one another for support, for safety and for a feeling of ‘belonging’ to something. which is well, good and fine… unless life, or the Good Shepherd, is calling you to change.
for you see, the road of one who choses to change, is a lonely road. there is no denying that. because im walking on it.
i no longer fit into the “mold” of cattle anymore. i used to, i did. i used to have a normal family. live in a normal house. have a normal job in a normal suburb of a normal city. i – was one in a heard. not anymore. my family? fractured. forever. my lineage? destroyed. my house? sold. my job? gone.
and the looks on the faces of those who choose to not change… will forever be painfully burned into my memory as the faces of those who didnt know how to love.
for you see,
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails
love always protects. and to protect someone, you must be where they are. if you are not? than your love is only a good feeling… with no power.
ultimately, love means allowing someone to change. be it by there choice, or because the world they lived in was turned on end… love means allowing them to be real, and allowing them to change.
walking this path, im learning that ive only scratched the surface on love. i know ive got some wrongs that im keeping record of, and im struggling to let go.
but for now. and, for ever – i will always choose to change.
one year.
365 days.
52 weeks.
1 friend whos been with me through it all… and right now… i need to go tell her how thankful i am.
ok… why exactly do i NOT HAVE a vsb?
im sitting here @ a friends house right now. in the middle of baking some cookies…and yeah, i just completely destroyed her mixer.
that seems to parrellel my life just a lil too close. sometimes it just seems like no matter what i do, i fail. or, im simply not good enough. im trying. so hard……
looks like rain
fell off the horse again
and i curse the selfish pride that came before
feels like rain
this melancoly mood im in
and i watch the empty glass thats slamming on the floor
sweet Jesus hold us when we’re hurting
and lost, let us find Your way
because we all feel the pain
we’re all waiting for the day
while the hear and now keeps draggin on
and we all hide away, under canopies of grace
to keep us on the rainy days
they will keep us on the rainy days….
looks like rain
i cant find my faith again
and im sure i had it not along ago
looks like rain
falling sideways with the wind
and somehow still believing…
i am not alone.
sweet Jesus hold us when we’re hurting
and lost, let us find Your way.
because we all feel the pain
we’re all waiting for the day
while the hear and now keeps draggin on
and we all hide away, under canopies of grace
to keep us on the rainy days
they will keep us on the rainy days….
thats it. in a nutshell. for this portion of today anyway… thats what im feeling. conflicted. confused. hurt. lost. searching.its nto even 2pm. and im so…. broken…
it hurts so much to see her. i miss her so much. and yet…
did you hear that? did you? i miss you. i feel sooo many conflicting things about this situation. so much hurt, and yet im still consumed with the desire to love you and always provide for you the very best i can…
most times, im capabale of understanding what im feeling even when it makes verly little sense…. all i typically need is some time to think things through…
this… this is different. this strips me of my defenses and lays me bare for the whole world to see. this rips away the bandages, the comfort zones, the ‘protective barriers’ i enact and errect to shield me from more pain… this rips open old scares and this leaves me defenseless… utterly naked and unprotected…
if it matters, i dont like feeling this way. i dont like being ripped apart. i dont enjoy it… not one bit.
but yet, i wonder… look at what Christ had to endure so that Gods love could be poured out upon us…
He endured all that – for Loves sake.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
its a phrase we use so often. a phrase that carrys very little weight in today’s society. a phrase that we throw around almost as much as “love”.did you know that the word “thank” is a verb? interesting thought. its a word that demands action. a word that carrys with it in its very essence the weight of responsibilty. it requires us to do something. even if all we do is express it…
im not sure why exactly im on the whole thing of ‘thankfulness’. as i sit and look over the past year or so… im beginning to learn to be thankful for certain things. for friends through thick and thin. for mercy and grace that was new everymorning. for the ability to slowly begin to see His hand in all that happened… or at least, learning to trust that He never left. even when it seemed like it did.
learning to be thankful for things that are still with me… and for the things that are no longer. things ive lost, or that have moved on. things ive move past or that are no longer aroud. to be thankful for people, places and things that a year ago wouldnt have mattered.
my life has irrevocably changed in ways i will never fully comprehend. there may not be a silver lining on every cloud… but im slowly beginning to see some of the rainbow through the storm
right now? im thankful that tomorrow is friday. im thankful for the mercy and grace of a loving God who’s brought me this far… and wont give up on me. even when i do.
i may not be much to look at. and when it all comes down to it, i may not have anything to offer… but all i am – and all i will ever become is because of Him. and for that, im learning to be thankful.
Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made, Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade, To write the love of God above, Would drain the oceans dry. Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky.–
only one thing.just quit trying… if you’re not fighting with your all… then doing it halfway is a waste of time…
my thoughts… for tonite – and yes… im preaching to myself.
thats my hearts cry. i want to be known in heaven as one who jumps in with both feet… and doesnt ever look back.
in all im called to do, i want to give my all…
Lord, that is my prayer…
that about sums up tonite.i was mentioned in nannykates blog… and i think im gonna post my comment to her blog from a few days ago…
simply because im preaching to myself….
“after walking through the fire and being burned beyond recognition, you may have less than you started with. much less. incredibly less than you began your journey with… but what you have now is real – and now that it’s stood the test of the flames, you know – it’s real.”
and the truth thing again, from the unlikely source of sherlock holmes
“….when you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth…..”
so ive gotta ask myself… in all thats failed, in all thats been eliminated, what does remain? ill tell you what remains.
His love for me.
His plan for my life.
His mercry, new every morning.
His anointing and blessing upon my every moment on this planet…
and most importantly… what remains?
Him.
as unlikely, as improbable… He still is there…
im finding myself at a loss for words
and the funny thing is, its ok.
the last thing i need
is to be heard
but to hear – what You would say
this life, no matter what we do… will always continually give us choices to make.
earlier tonite i walked into a consequence of choices ive made…
and i learned something about myself.
i accepted what had happened. i accepted the circumstance, the consequence of my choice…. and im allowing myself to deal with it.
i may not be able to accept it with joy yet… but im growing. im changing. im not who i was yesterday and i wont be the same tomorrow.
ive said it before, and ill say it again…
i may not like the road i am on… but im learning even more so, that its not the destination…
its the journey. tomorrow… is important… but most important – is now…
so to those of you who impact me… who i consider friends. who love me for who i am…
and to those i trust….
thank you…
for being now
you’ll never fully understand how much it means to me
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 