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life has changed… irrevocable and permanently changed.
“i cant stand to fly, im not that naive
im just out to find better part of me
im more than a bird, im more than a plane
im more than some pretty face beside a train
and its not easy to be me
wish that i could cry
fall upon my knees
find a way to lie
about a home ill never see
it may sound absurd
but dont be naive
even heros have the right to bleed….
i may be disturbed
but wont you concede?
even heros have a right to dream
men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees…
the song of the moment. five for fighting. superman. im only a man in a phony read sheet looking for special things inside of me.
seems to fit right now. i dont really know who i am.
theres been a line from a song running through my head alll day and i cant figure out any more of the song, or who wrote it. all i remember is “…. and i’d hurt just to know im alive” ah well. such is life huh?
in other news, i recievd an email from one of the closest friends i have. it wasnt only probably the best thing that happened today… it was an email that would have been the best thing that happened today had i won the lottery. there is something… rare… that is found when you’re given a friend who just lets you know that they will be there for you. they may not be perfect… but they offer something that is beyond any human. they offer you love. pure, unhindered love. unconditional, undesereved and unwarranted love. its nothing you could have done to deserve it…
dear Jesus – help me. help me to live a life worthy of those people that you place in my path. all ive learned these past few months point to the simple truth that i am wholly, fully and completely inadequate… a total failure – of living a life worth dying for. yet thats what you did…. you died. for me. help me to simply live – for you.
amen
its amazing isnt it? how we can walk through our day to day existence wholly unaware of the blessing he pours down on us. we live our lives so sheltered from everything else in the world that we miss so much.. the sun shining, the birds singing… heck… flowers. and yeah, i know this may sound really cheesy – but ask yourself, when was the last time youliterally stopped to smell the flowers? huh? when was it? i dont know if i can remember the last time i did that. we act like our life is the only thing that matters and…. LIFE itself is sooo much bigger than we are. humbling huh?
i dunno… 1:20am. just some random thoughts… and to paraphrase a very special person – “i hope – through these ramblings… you found my heart.”
sleep well everyone
its now the wee hours of the morning. and im sitting in front of my computer clothed in fleece. i love fleece. chattin online with my lil sis… one of the most incredibly beautiful ladies you will ever meet… period.
today was overall, a good day. i dragged a ton of tree branches into my front lawn for those wonderful sanitation engineers to remove sometime next week:-). nothin like a strong windstorm to brighten up your backyard with tree branches. anyway. off to sleep. nite!
a friend of mine just IMed me this… seems to kinda fit my life right now.
God is never at a loss to know what He’s going to do in our situations. He knows perfectly well what is best for us. Our problem is, we don’t know. And we say to Him, “Lord, if You just tell me, then I’ll be in great shape. Just reveal it to me . Explain Your plan to me, and then I’ll count on You.” But that’s not faith. Faith is counting on Him when we do not know what tomorrow holds.
~Charles Swindoll
hey all. aside from the news blogger thing not working – ive had a pretty good day. i keep missing my contact guy @ barnes and noble. and i dropped my application off @ tops yesterday. in other news, another wonderful female friend heads down to ohio for the weekend…. hoping and praying she has a wonderfully relaxed time. and oh yea-all is well with the girl i was at-odds with. God rocks. i just hope i am where Im supposed to be in all this.
ever feel like you dont know where you are… and heck, not that thats even that bad – its the “not knowing where to go”… or “not knowing which mountain to start climbing”… thats what is hard.
anywho… back to job hunting.
morning. decided to hop online and see if a certain someone i had a falling out with yesterday was on. of course, the fact that i blocked her SN and didnt realize it for 20 minutes didnt help my cause any. friendship and love… 2 things that rarely – when mixed together – form anything cohesive. oh, they form something alright… mostly its just flamable.
in other news, i grabbed this cool link off of the blogger homesite. hopefully it’ll work:-)
want some news? blog the news
NewsBlogger Bar
(this was actually written a few days ago… im just posting it because i want to…)
i used to think i understood the words to “hanging by a moment” – lifehouse.
6 months ago, i had no idea what the words meant. who knows, maybe 6 months from now, ill look back and realize i was totally oblivious to what they mean.
“desperate for changing / starving for truth…. there is nothing else to lose / nothing else to find / nothing in the world / that could change my mind there is nothing else….
im falling even more in love with you / letting go of all ive held on to
im standing here until you make me move / im hanging by a moment here with you
im living for the only thing i know / im running and im not sure where to go
and i dunno what im diving into / just hanging by a moment here with you”
its the end of the single most frustrating day in a very long time and nothing specific happend to make it “frustrating”.. i just been on the verge of snapping all day i did actually… my fist ended up connecting with my closet door. ive got a really nice black and blue
mark on my knuckle… although..because of the swelling you cant really tell i have a knuckle.
id just like one day. where for once, things go right. i ace an interview.. or my dad gets a job. my sisters get to go out and have fun. or heck… i even get a good lead on a place to live. id settle for a good can of italian green beans and not spilling my milk all over the living room floor…
my mom summed it up just a lil while ago while i was talkin to her. she said “if this is -living by faith- it sucks”.
i spent 4 hours tuesday looking through 22 years of life. it was a lot easier to live with “life” in all those boxes upstairs when i could ignore what they contained. but i had to sort through them to see how to stack them. things became a lot more personal… i pulled out a book i was given when i was 3. i still remember mom reading it to me. and yeah, 90% of my sisters possesions are now in the basement at my grandmas. everything from stuffed animals to clothes to little knick knacks that makes a room… a “girls” room. 23 years of pictures. memories. the past.
its funny, because i had “friends” by michael w. smith running through my head.
i always wanted to be considered mature for my age. i guess i just didnt realize that “moving out on my own” would consist of having my house sold from under me.
its a strange feeling. somethin else mom kinda hit the nail of the perverbial head with. we dont have anything…. left. they went down there with 3 weeks worth of stuff… and since then… only what they’ve been able to aquire since they got there. its not even that there is anything else to “come back” too. i used to think that God would orchestrate situations so that it litterally became impossible for anything to be done unless he did it. like, the isrealites caught between the mighty red sea and the pursuing egyptian army. or later on, when the isrealite army was in a fierce battle that they could only win during daylight… so God stopped the sun for almost a full 24 hours. or… david and Goliath.
the Bible. chock full of these accounts. of how God came through and “saved the day”…. He has got to here. because i dont have anything else to give. im dangling at the end of my rope and after each passing moment, the “unheard of idea” of -letting go-… is all of a sudden a very real… and very atractive… possibility.
ive never faced a hungry lion… or the very real possiblity of being put to a gruesome death simply for not denying Christ. ive never faced a lynch mob hungry for the blood of the innocent. ive never sat for 3 days in the belly of a whale. maybe ive never done anything spectacular. maybe ive failed. who knows.
i used to be so commited to walking this “road” thats been set before us. so… ready and even willing to just drop whatever part of my life became a hinderance to my “walk”. ready to sacrafice whatever it took… why the hell did everything have to be ripped away instead?
im sick of “trying to find my way the best that i know how”… as lifehouse put it. is that what we as “Christians” are supposed to expect from life? just to walk around blindly in this fog that dulls are senses and makes us so incredibly powerless that we literally cant continue on as normal people? is that all that there is ? who knows..
maybe im just rambling. thats probably what this is. but its from my heart. as confused/hurt/tormented/misunderstood/misguided/
lost/alone/desperate it is… its from my heart.
italian green beans. one wouldnt think it would take a miracle to get a nice freakin bowl of italian green beans… but hey… im not the miracle worker am i
by the way… just in case anyone is hiring. im currently looking for a full time job. if you’re interested in hiring a full time employee, drop me a line for my resume @ psweene1@rochester.rr.com. thanks
oh yeah… this blog will probably include random things i like… or quotes ive fallen in love with… or heck, even thigns ive written in the past. since i have a blog now – my goal is going to be making it a part of who i am… so yeah. enjoy:-)
well, i guess this constitues as my first posting to the blogging world. ive been reading numerous other bloggers and finally decided to take the plunge myself.
i wont promise im going to be right all the time. heck, ill probably be dead wrong most of the time… but my hope for this is that ill end up sharing the honest reality of whats on my heart. because hey… what else really matters?
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 