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its been a while hasnt it? since i sat here and poured my heart into this. its been a long time since i was introspective. i guess -when one doesnt like what they see- sometimes they choose not to continue to look. which is what i think ive done….
it seems that i may not have a lot for the blog tonite. i know -its been forever- and so much is on my heart right now… so much. but i guess the words are best said directly to the people that i need to say them too….
for now…. to my little sparrow wherever she may find herself…. goodnite and you are loved.
and to the rest of the populace -this life i think im living….well, it hasnt stopped. and neither will i:-)
sleep in peace everyone
-nite
if one statement could describe the years of my adolesence. it was this show.
to say i was captured by it is an understatement. the show enraptured me.
i dont know why. but i connected with kevin on a level i find very rarely.
my point? its interesting how the topic of the wonder years came up. my last post dealt with the “one”. “who” ever she will be. and this post? the wonder years. a show about a boy growing up – next door to the girl… the young lady… the woman of his dreams.
a show that ends with them going seperate ways. i cried. the final episdoe… i honestly cried. i knew a part of me was gone. the brief moments i was allowed a peak into the ficitonal life of that group of people… was gone.
maybe thats pathetic… its interesting how reality can mimic life…
i dunno… just thinkin i guess.
if ive learned one thing from the past 8 months…. its this.
some chances. some oppurtunities. some moments… only come but once. you have the chance, a moment, a split second to grab it – and then its gone. what you do in those few brief moments of actual life… determine how the rest of your days are lived. you’re decisions in those moments – those defining moments – pave the way for the rest of the life you think your living…..
i guess i said all that to simply say this…. i dont want to miss falling in love.
im 22. im single. and i dont know if having done what ive done the past 22 years was worth it all. i had chances… oppurtunities… moments… that came but once. and i passed on many of them. i dont know if i was right in that.
second guessing yourself never gets you anywhere… so im gonna head to bed now. and try not to think. i will leave you again with the quote from last nite.
if you didnt guess, it is from the wonder years.
“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… …all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect… …who might be searching for us. ”
im begining to wonder now… is there someone…. that single perfect person… whos actually looking for someone like me? to say its hard to believe it is an understatement.
i live this life one day at a time. and i hope and pray that thoses few times when true life touches this reality… those brief flashes of heaven… those -once in a life time- moments… i pray i wont miss them.
its odd really, because this question has never dogged me so much. ever. i wish i knew what kept drawing me back to it.
what is this question?
the one i find myself thinking about more than mt. dew? more than starbucks?
in all honesty – the question is one word. with major ramifications.
“who”
who is it that i will be waking up next to for the rest of my life? whos feet am i going to get the privilege of rubbing every nite when we relax on the couch? who is going to be there for me when my life falls apart? and who will be the one who gives me the precious gift of their trust when their life comes crashing down? who will be the gift that i get to spend the rest of my life with?
“who”
and oh my stinkin – if i knew why i kept thinking about this. i dont want to think about it. the thought of a serious relationship scares the heck outta me. litterally. i have commitment issues and i KNOW i do. ive got no problems announcing it. i know im no where near ready for an earth-moving relationship like that. i know im not anywhere near in the place where i could be any one of the things that she would need.
but i cant stop thinking about it.
not about any person i know.
but about “her”. whomever she may be.
ive dreamed at least once about “her” in the past week. which – for me – is incredible. i only remember at most maybe 3-4 dreams a year. i dont know “who” she is. and that isnt whats bothering me.
its that i cant stop thinking about her…. thats what bothers me.
well – i wont change anything tonite.
so i leave you with a quote from the tv show that most impacted my teen years –
“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… …all the while wondering if somewhere… somehow… there’s someone perfect… …who might be searching for us.”
and this life i think im living continues…. as for me? time for bed.
goodnite
chapter 2.
paragraph 2.
sentence 1.
guys are stupid.
last nite – 3 characters described who i am.
this nite – 3 words.
guys are stupid.
to say that our mental processes are anywhere NEAR coherent would be a gross misinterpetation of the obvious facts. look around you. men are stupid. we live our entire lives learning that simple lesson. and although we may know it better than we know our own name- we never are able to interpet our stupid actions – or the results of them – into a positive response.
all i know – from the thousands of times that ive messed up in the past few months… is this.
there are moments, places, people… few and very far between… that cause us to change who we are. they cause us to want to better ourselves… they cause us to want to learn to trust again.
and these moments… these places… these people – are the ones worth sticking your neck out farther than you ever have before.
these people are the ones who can make you smile no matter what your goin through. these people are the ones who take your breath away. they are the ones who make you feel alive.
they are the ones that remind us that this life is worth living.
they are gifts
divine deposits into our lives from a Holy and Perfect God.
these people… are the ones we care about the most. the ones we’d do anything for. and our relationships with these people are the relationships we strive for the hardest. the ones we constantly work to better. the ones that matter the most.
because – simply put. you love that person. more than life itself. more than coffee…. more than hugs… you love that person.
and WHEN – not if – you mess up…. these are the relationships – the people… whos forgiveness we ask for first. we dont wait. we dont try to make excuses….
just a simple-
i was wrong
i am sorry
please forgive me?
thats all that we can do. we recognize that we’ve hurt this special person. and although we hate that fact… we can not change it. we simply have to ask for forgiveness.
which is what i need to do.
i was wrong
im sorry
please forgive me?
its now the wee hours of the morning. and im sitting in front of my computer clothed in fleece. i love fleece. chattin online with my lil sis… one of the most incredibly beautiful ladies you will ever meet… period.
today was overall, a good day. i dragged a ton of tree branches into my front lawn for those wonderful sanitation engineers to remove sometime next week:-). nothin like a strong windstorm to brighten up your backyard with tree branches. anyway. off to sleep. nite!
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