justification. the word that seems to encompass my thoughts for the past few days

justification: the word for today

websters says:
1 a : to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable b (1) : to show to have had a sufficient legal reason (2) : to qualify oneself…

the more you go through the fire this life throws at you; if you’re willing, the more you learn about yourself. the more your own eyes open up to the fraility and ‘patheticism’ of the life you think your living. fire – as it flows through your life – has a tendency to strip away all the preconcieved notions you have about yourself. fire destroys all that isnt 100% real in your life. and what you’re left with is a pile of ashes, and hopefully… inside the charred remains of who you are… tested, tried and strengthened by fire lies the life that you will be living. the ‘new you’. fire will come. we have no choice about that. our choice lies in our response…

so i say all that to simply state that ive realized that ive lived a lot of my life trying to justify my existence on this planet. trying to justify the fact that im wearing skin. i could justify my life through my work. i was good @ what i did. and i did it with everything i had. now? im laid off.

i could justify my life through my ‘on air’ times at the station. now? i haven’t 3 hours time on the air in months.

i could justify my life through the ministries i was a major part of. now? ive definetly learned im replaceable.

what makes me worth the skin im wearing? the air im breathing? the space i take up on this world?
its not my job
its not the radio
its not the ministry

everything i ever valued about myself is slowly being torn away. im finding out that maybe im not supposed to take my worth or value from those things. what am i supposed to take stock in? im not sure. i may not be learning everything i could be, but im trying.

until the next installment of this life i think im leaving