im not sure if this comes across as me being greedy… but here goes

after the hell of the past 7 months, things are finally begining to calm down here in NY.
all the external crap that ive been facing is slowly ebbing away (for now anyway). and now that this pile of crap is shrinking – im left to confront all the crap that isnt so external. its internal.

have i changed for the better because of the past 7 months? is my relationship with an all powerful all loving God any stronger? wait… wait wait. the question – do i CARE if ive changed for the better and do i CARE if my relationship with an all powerful and all loving God is any stronger? do i?

whats scary? that i have to ask myself that question.

in all honesty, i want to shout and scream and draw my line in the sand and tell God He’s taken enough. that this is my life and that im sick of the sh*t and hell ive faced. i dont want any more of it. i want an end. and it seems like as soon as the external things calm down, the internal things begin to unsettle themselves. its like it isnt enough for my life to fall apart externally, ive got to deal with the hellish person ive become also.

and quite frankly – i dont want too.

yeah – greedy. i know.

i didnt ask to live this life. and i wasnt asked if i wanted to. its the life i think im living. and the only logical conclusion is that this life isnt “mine” to live. i didnt create myself and its obvious i have no control over the things that matter. i have responsibility, yes. but thats about it.

im just gonna be real. i dont have any sort of inspirational quote to end tonite. just a simple. ‘here we go again’.

im harder than this – this world aint got what it takes. ill make it through.

ok, so maybe a little inspiration.

“the question at hand – help me understand – is this Your plan?
i think i can – can i think?- then i think i can.

because i wont break (nah) and i wont shake (nah) with lifted hands to this man (Jah) we stand in faith.
ill make it through with my trust in You.
close my eyes – make a wish – kiss the sky cuz now i see You.“