so i talked to my dad today… not at all an unusual event. it happens pretty often. few times a week typically.this time was different. a subtle difference. or, i should say, initially, i hardly noticed it. it came across masked in subtlety.

he asked me this seemingly harmless question,

“i saw a cd holder for your car while i was at the mall today. i had to stop for some errands and i happened to see it. how are you doin on keeping cds in your car?”

and my immediate response, formed due to the number of times my car has been broken into, went something like this.

“i dont keep anything in my car. not where i park. its not safe.”

and the the subtle feeling that i totally overlooked something.

i overlooked the fact that this is my dad. and that Christmas is right around the corner. and that i cant imagine how hard it is for him to try and Christmas shop for His family. knowing that – quite posisbly – his presents will either be returned un opened, or simply thrown out.

i hurt for him. i hurt because he’s my dad. my father. and ive hardly seen him in more than a year. you could probably count the hours ive seen him total using only your hands…. i hurt, because i cant imagine what he’s going through.

i hurt…. because i see so much of myself…. in him

ive tried so hard to forget all about Christmas being one week away…. ive desperately tried to focus on work… fun… anything.

i didnt ask to know how it felt to know our family would be ‘celebrating’ Christmas in three seperate places…

my dad is trying so hard. soooo hard. and its like nothing is paying off…. i respect him so much for putting forth all this effort. for trying with all he has to make things better. he’s giving his all… and he wont even see his family for christmas.

at least ive got both extended families within driving distance, so i wont be utterly alone on Christmas… he doesnt even have that.

what ever happend to forgiveness? what ever happened to grace? where is the mercy in this?

ill be home for Christmas. you can plan on me. please have snow and mistletoe and presents under the tree. Christmas Eve will find me will the love-light gleams. ill be home for Christmas. if only in my dreams.