two words that seem to encompass much, much more than the sum of their parts.its what i yearn for.
its what, on some days, my heart beats for.

im trying to understand the -on some occasions- overwhelming desire for acceptance. for someone, anyone, to tell me im doing a good job. a “pat on the back”, or small words of praise. an accolade…

but then i realize, again-for the first time, that the things ive faced down… the demons i continually fight, the battle that rages on inside of my life… will never be battles that i can put on a resume. chances are, my boss will never say to me

“pj, good job on holding yourself together today while at work. its good to know you can shelve your personal life and feelings for the sake of the company”.

my victories, be they few, wont ever be shouted from rooftops, they’ll never grant me access to a ‘millionaires club’. and, quite honestly, wont ever make for a good conversation pice…

my only hope is that through it all, its working in me something of greater value.

to tell the truth, i dont know if thats my ‘only hope’ or just, the only thing i can cling too…

i dont know. what i do know is that im scared about what im capable of doing for acceptance. not somethin stupid, i mean – i know living for human acceptance is a fruitless and stress filled pursuit… but the joy that i feel, be it momentarily, when my boss compliments me – is amazing…. and that is what scares me. i dont want to live the rest of my life… this year… this week… today… or tomorrow… living for accolades from people who dont really matter…

im scared that im so fragile, and so reliant on those brief moments of joy that the rest of my moments are wasted working towards an fleeting and unfulfilling prize…

i want the quality of my work, and the knowing that i gave my all, to be the joys i live off of.

i want…

what i want… is to hear from my parents, that they’re proud of me…

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