maybe its true that some battles are meant to be fought alone.

im trying with all i am to reconnect my life with those i feel could be good friends. and im wondering if my efforts are worth anything. maybe my hope… my dream of having a group of people who love me for me… is nothign mroe than just that… a dream.

im sorry to be such a downer. i am.

im just trying so hard.

im trying to forgive. im trying to let go of the past and embrace people… friends… in the now.

all i want is to have this huge weight lifted from my chest.

my life will never again be normal. and i can deal with that. i guess what im wondering is… once i say what ive got to say…

will they be able to handle it?

will putting my entire life on the line and just being gut-level real and honest with this group of people that, for a time, i hated… will it pay offf? will it be worth it?

hate. strong word isnt it. but i know of no other that would fit. suddenly, the world i lived in was a lot bigger and scarrier and it seemed that they couldnt handle it. and just like that, i was no longer relevant.

im sorry that my parents are getting divorced. im sorry that im so cynical and at times – spiteful.

there are times when i dont like myself at all. and this is one of them.

im trying. so hard. to be a friend. im trying with everything in me and im beginning to ask, if its worth it.