i know, it has been a long time since ive really poured myself into this blog. ive had so many things to talk about. so many things in me that im realizing, that im afraid of, that i dont want to see, that i want to pretend dont exist.

to put it simply… i am afraid to hope.

that phrase, afraid to hope, came to me earlier today right before dinner. Mom bought each of us kids two books. two of her favorites. and honestly, my first reaction was one of fear.

it was a blessing to me. and i knew that. i concsiously knew it was meant to be a blessing. i knew that. it was something nice my mom wanted to do for me. it was, as she put it, a mushy moment. and i was scared.

im afraid to take anything that ill get emotionally involved in. im afraid to open up, to hope. to offer any part of my self as vulnerable to anyone. simply because i, simply because i dont want to lose anything else.

its a really sad and pathetic thought process. it was however, born out of the need to cope. now, its a chain thats drowning me in a sea of hopelessness.

i lost so much, that having anything that could be lost, simply terrifies me. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont want my past personal failures to determine my future. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont. i honestly, truly do not.

i lived 3 years apart from them. i did it. and i proved to myself that it could be done. and now that im back, i dont want to be apart again. at least, not under negative circumstances.

i want to hope. i honestly do. living in a hopeless existence is living in death. but im a very analytical thinker. and i want guarantees. i want promises. i want to know ill be ok. i want to know my family will be ok.

why do i still feel the same
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name

 

but i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
that im with You

the past has left its stain
and i have felt ashamed
ill seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday

and i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
and i am waiting
i am waiting
i keep waiting for the day that im with You

new day the sun is shining
seems im closer to finding
that life is more than what we hide

no way that i am turning
as along as the sun is burning
now it seems that all i want is you

to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can be. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being wounded, to remove all opportunity for hurt, to keep at arms length all that may damage or crush ones soul.

 

to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can offer. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being in love, to remove all opportunity for joy, to keep at arms length all that may bring completion, blessings and honest compassion that may help heal ones soul.

to fear hope, is truly to fear all that life is.

i dont want to live life like this.

 

dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone

 

this day all i want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place

ive seen enough
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away

 

someone once said that there is love in the red letters. and i believe that the best thing i can do right now, is close with those selfsame letters.

 

bless the Lord, o my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. bless the Lord o my soul and forget not all His benefits. who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. who redeemeth your life from destruction, who crowns you wit lovingkindness and mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.

the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy. He has not dealt with us after our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

but the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him, and his righteousness unot childrens children….

bless the Lord all His works in all places of is dominion, bless the Lord o my soul.

 

 

 

 

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