i wrote the following back on 11/20. i include it here because it is a snippet of who i am. and of who i am becoming. because it is about parts of my heart ive neglected for far too long… that are slowly awakening…

i read your blog today; and i realized then why you’d seemed so busy. you’ve found someone. and to be honest, i was jealous. not just that you’ve got a someone in your life… but because it was you. am i saying that i wish it were me? in a way… yeah. i am.

why? and more importantly, why didnt i say anything earlier? because you’re special. you’re an amazing woman and you deserve a man who knows exactly who he is, and what he wants… and most importantly, knows that youre exactly the one for him.

and im none of those things. one day, for one girl, i will be. buti knew, that for this period of time, my own feelings aside, i needed to step back and simply pray you’d find that man.

and now i pray you have.

i do pray you’ve found him. and, please, forgive my bit of jealousy. you’re an amazing girl. and there isnt anything more i want than for you to be happy. for you to find that guy, that one. and i hope you have:) i do.

there are times we need outside influences, outside circumstances to shake us awake. to bring us to the place where we realize something about ourselves, about our hearts. sometimes those moments bring utter wonder, as we realize how much we’ve changed, and grown. sometimes they bring a hush, and cause us to to listen to parts of who we are. parts that went silent a long time before. and sometimes they bring shock and revulsion, as we learn how quickly we can fall.

even with the lack of people in my life in texas, im learning my need for friendship. for leadership. for a dream. for a vision to follow. and for leaders who will push us towards that dream.

i pulled our college/career pastor (randy) aside sunday. id been to the 20something group at our church a few times already. and honestly, i wasnt captured.

i asked randy if we could get together sometime soon. i want to know what his passion is. what puts breath in his lungs. what gets him up in the morning. i want to know his passion for this group, for this generation. because im looking for something, a vision; and someone, a leader to get behind and push.

why? because part of me knows that the next few weeks/months may lead to many changes. someone once said, the hardest thing to do is sometimes the right thing to do. so when the changes come, i hope i welcome them with open arms.

this lifes not like you wanted it
his eyes, i can see again
i need you here
in your mind, nobodys listening
its your right, not to feel again

just breath again

feels like, your world is caving in
and i cry, failing to understand
i wish i can
its all right, if your missing him
in his eyes, you can live again
free within

time after time
i walk the fine line

something keeps brining me back

time after time
im going in blind
i dont know which way i need to go

time after time
i cant see the signs
do all these roads bring me back to you?

Going in Blind