what am i doing?

that is the question ive been pondering tonight. what am i doing? with my life? with my talents?

what im doing with who i am? with the gifts given? with this breath, right here, right now. with the 100,000 beats of my heart that happened today? what am i doing?

its been said that if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water, he will jump for all he is worth to save himself. he will react. it is programmed into his core, his soul, from the time that he is a tadpole. he cannot help but jump.

but its also said that if you put a frog into a pot of lukewarm water, and slowly apply heat… the frog will never notice it. why? its built into his brain. he doesnt notice the slow temperature changes. he doesnt see his life fading… he doesnt see the fact that the water he is surrounded by, which was at one time inviting, is now killing him.

he doesnt see it. he doesnt see death coming.

there was once a time where i could tell you i was healing. where i could say that i was wounded, and needed the time, in the background of life, to rest, find help and healing… there was a time when that was truth. and, in many ways, its still truth.

but its not the whole truth. not anymore. now, saying that im wounded, is hiding behind my pain. saying that i need to rest is running from life. now, not ‘doing’, or to put it in better perspective, not living simply because i need something…. is a lie.

what am i doing?

there is a part of me that knows, and has known for some time, that im not where i need to be. ive lost passion. ive lost dreams.

do i feel the water around me? can i still, easily sense the temperature of what surrounds me? or have i dulled, have i become, senseless. have i lost my ability to see what is right in front of me?

what happened to the passion that was in my soul? the passion that would cause me to jump, for all i was worth, to save my self. to see dreams fulfilled? to see healing brought to those my heart beats for?

there is a story told of a time long ago. where, in a distant land, it had not rained for hundreds of days. famine and death were rampant. and answers were nowhere to be found.

mankind had lost its sensitivity to life. it had lost its ability to sense the water around it, and it was dying.

and its said that there was one man. one man, who knew what needed to be done. who heard the whisperings in his soul. who could still see, who still had a vision…who could still dream. one man who could still sense in his soul, the temperature of the water around him.

and when he prayed… he saw a cloud.

i want that. i want that passion. that drive. that dream that sees the dust of the desert, as a fertile valley. that sees passion in the passionless. hope in the hopeless. and healing for those who hurt.

i may not be done fighting my own demons. i may have more that i need to deal with inside of my own life…. but there is another calling now. there is something deeper. something that echos even louder, inside my soul. louder, just since i started writing.

there is a hope to be found. there is a peace that passes all understanding. this generation, MY generation, is a broken generation… but we will learn to dance.

lifted up
ive climbed with the strength i have
right to this mountain top
looking out
the clouds getting bigger now
its time to get ready now

cuz all i want
is all you have
come to me
rescue me
fall on me
with your love

and all you want
is all i have
come to me
rescue me
fall on me
with your love