we sometimes write things in the heat of what we’re feeling, in the passion of the moment.  in most cases, it’s a good thing.  we need those outlets.

this was something written a number of months ago

there is a reason i spent the last hour searching through the archives of postsecret.com.  it’s because i know that what im going through, what i’m feeling… it’s not unique.

we all deal with it. wondering.  questioning. am i good enough?  will i ever be good enough?

i think the question that scares me the most, is ‘did i miss it’?  what ‘could’ have happened?  did i miss the signs? or, did i hear correctly… and am i just dealing with a heart that never truly let go?  that was still so wrapped around finding greatness, that when it was time to let it go, i didnt want to?

i think there are times when we all need to be reminded that we’re not alone in what we feel.  that were not alone in what we’re going through. sometimes, all it takes to find the honesty in the situation we’re in, is to be honest ourselves.  sometimes we just need to give ourselves permission to feel.

to simply feel.

and to say whatever it is that’s heavy on our hearts.

maybe its that our heart hurts.  that there is an ache inside that wont easily go away.  an ache that comes from a life lived long ago.  and hopes that were birthed what seems like a lifetime ago.

my heart aches.  for you.  and for what could have been. i am afraid.  of what this means.  of the fact that i could have missed it.  and of knowing how much this hurts. you’re married.  i wasn’t there.  and it wasn’t me. and i’ve got to be ok with that.

maybe im the only one who’s felt this way.  who’s found themselves looking back, instead of looking forward.  wondering about what could have been, instead of hoping for what is to come.  worrying that i missed it, instead of trusting the Author of this story.  of my story.

i don’t know if i’ve mentioned it on my blog or not, but i love antiques.  i try to hit at least one antique shop every two weeks or so.  there is something so beautiful about finding something with a story.  something that’s not ‘new’.  the shininess is gone.  the glitz and glamour of its heyday is well passed.  but that simply means that the stories it can tell… are now worth far more than a price tag could ever communicate.

i was wandering through one of my new favorite antique malls today.  and i found myself talking to one of the nicest guys i’d ever met.  you know the type, the type who just oozes happiness.  joy from a source beyond himself.

we talked antiques, what he collects, what i collect… he made me smile.  at the end of my trip, as i walked out to the parking lot and stopped to look at the first 2009 Dodge Challenger i’ve seen, he pulled up in his truck.  we both looked, and drooled… he made some comment about it looking so much like the challengers did in his time.  he laughed, i laughed, and we went our separate ways.

he was, at the very least, old enough to be considered an antique.  and just from the few moments i was able to spend with him, i knew i’d like him.  i knew he had more stories than i’d ever have time.  and i knew he had lived, and was living, a full life.  he was full of joy.  and he greeted everything with a smile.

why does all this matter?  because.  because he couldn’t stand up to shake my hand.  he’s an amputee, missing his right leg from well above the knee.  he’s lived god only knows how many years attached to a chair with wheels.  unable to stand or walk.  and yet, he has joy.  he lives this life to the fullest.

he’s the type of man, that in 40 years, i want to be. full of life.  of stories.  of joy.  of hope.

so maybe i looked back.  but that doesn’t mean i’m moving backwards.  and although what i wrote months ago is a portion of who i was, its not who i am.  i know that being here, in texas, was the right decision.  and i know that the ones im faced with now, are the next steps in the life i’ve been called to live.

i think the lesson i’m learning through all of this, is how important it is to hold on, and how it is just as important to let go.  i’m good at the holding on part.  not so good at the letting go part.  and i think…. i think its time to start letting go.

The Classic Crime – Closer Than We Think

i still hold the belief
that we are free
that we don’t need the rules to see
that despite what we’ve done
we’re not alone
we’re closer than we think to home

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