if i disappeared tomorrow, what would i leave behind?  what legacy would carry on beyond just me?  would people tell stories?  would my life be worthy of remembering?

im slowly realizing that each day im alive, i’m gifted with the blessing of a blank canvas, a brush, and a pallet of colors to chose from.  and each day, im faced with the challenge and responsibility of painting how the day will go.  how i will chose to act, and react.  how i will speak, and how i will listen.

what colors do i paint with?  what colors do i chose to use?

what memory will be left when im gone?  what will people remember about me?

im realizing that my lack of deep relationships here in texas directly impacts the depth and passion with which my colors will come through.  there is no deeper a blue, or vibrant a red, no more alive a green than what comes from mixing your colors with those of someone you care for.

friendship breeds color, and the vibrant brightness of life.

when im gone, i want people to look at my paintings and know that i lived a full life.  i want them to see the green of the hills in Ireland, the gray skies of a Scottish morning, the deep blue of Australia’s coral reefs.  i want them to know that the red of my love burned deep, for my saviour, and for my wife.

paintings like that, colors as rich as the experiences this life can offer, dont come overnight.  they’re birthed each day, when you wake up.  when i wake up.  colors like that come from risk.  from allowing yourself to be real.  to be a friend, even when you’re afraid.  colors like that are born from the real, gritty experiences that can be found only by living life fully.

if i want colors that rich, then the blackness of my nights will be that much darker.  the deep blue pain will be that much more sharp.  the gray of loneliness will be that much more real.

life in so many ways is an all or nothing ordeal.  many times, you will not be able to pick and chose the experiences you walk through.  if you chose to live life to its fullest, it will be breathtaking, it will be filled with love.  but you will also feel pain and you will know intimately, the sting of betrayal, and the heartbreak of loss.

i cannot help but feel that when Christ called his first disciples, that deep in their soul, they knew that this calling, this question to follow the One they’d only just met, they knew that His offer carried with it the weight of a life fully lived.  a life filled with the brightest colors this world could offer, but also the darkest nights they would ever experience.

and here we are, 2000 years later still standing in awe of the lives they lived.

i want that.

i’ll take the dark nights, the deep blue of pain and the aching gray of loneliness.  i’ll take those because i’m listening to His call.  and i’m choosing to follow.

My Heart / Your Home – Christy Nockels