why is it that ive felt this need to disguise things?  if you knew me at all, you’d know that i’ve tried hard to be someone who didnt hide behind a well painted picket fence.

but for months now, i’ve been trying to convince myself that things are ok.

friday i came home on the verge of tears.  i told God i needed whatever was next.  that i’m through with where i am at.  with the battles im constantly fighting.  with the heartache.  with the feeling of being incomplete. with feeling like there is this huge part of life i’m missing out on.

i told Him, or maybe im telling Him…. that im lonely.  i am.  and this isnt something easy for me to say.  i’ve been in texas for 5 years and my closest friends are still more than a thousand miles away.  it shouldnt be that way.  i should have friends here.

i dont feel i fit.  anywhere.

like a square peg in a round hole.

i left work friday, and i was done.  i couldnt take another task, another email.

i just wanted to go somewhere where i fit.  where i could be real and let the picket fences fall.  where i could say that im not perfect, i dont have the answers…. where i could feel.  where i could be real and not be afraid of peoples reactions.  where i could breath deep.

i was on my way home… and He didnt say anything.  there was no rending of the heavens, no angelic choir, no message in the sky.

but just as i flipped radio stations for the 2oth time, this song started.  it’s been my theme song since i first heard it.  and i dont know what it says about me that i’ve not gotten beyond it…. but it’s still my theme song.

because all i can do right now, is barely hold on to You.

Lifehouse – Broken