that’s it. that one phrase defines who i am. defines my fears, my sleepless nights. my confusion filled days and moments of take-your-breath-away terror.
i dont know how to do this. i dont know how to be a man. i feel like a teenage kid stuck in a grown-up suit two sizes too big. i feel terrified. i can change the oil, pay my bills each month and look the part of being a man. but the important things are the things i worry about. falling in love, actually loving a woman the way she should be loved, becoming a boyfriend, husband and father… those things, i dont know how to do those things. i dont know how to be those things.
how do i present myself as a viable mate when all i know, the “how to be a man” handbook i was given was written my by father? where, how do i find the role model i need when so many years ago i gave up and came to the understanding that i’m alone and that ive got to make it on my own?
how do i find a role model, how do i find love, when i’m simply too afraid to let anyone in?
i want to love her with all i am. i want to care for her, be a light and an encouragement. but i want to love her from a heart that is free. the heart of a man. and maybe this is what fighting for someone really looks like. maybe im finally realizing that this is where things change, where pretenses and beliefs long ingrained begin to crumble. maybe this is where i face those three defining words and begin to see them changed.
Jesus – i dont want to miss her. whomever she is. i dont want to miss the chance to love her for all she is, with all i am. please, do this work in me, because i cannot do it on my own…
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 
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January 6, 2010 at 11:27 am
April
You’re doing a really good job. Because you are loving from who YOU are…and that is what makes all the difference. 🙂
January 6, 2010 at 3:54 pm
lifeofk8
Ok. I don’t like to argue with you and I don’t want to tell you how to define yourself or what to believe. But I’m going to right now, so deal.
You are choosing to define yourself by a definition I 150,000% disgree with. Please do not look at your life and see that you should be defined by him or by what has happened. You are not only ‘fatherless’ in this life. You have a wonderful mother. You have sisters. You have friends. You have God. You have people to learn from. And while he may not be the father who has taught you to be a man who does good positive loving things and so on and so forth, he has taught you things. He has taught you what you do not want to be. And that may not be what you want, but it is a viable teaching, it is something to be learned from.
And second, you are a loving, kind, generous, thoughtful, wonderful man through some other forces of nature because YOU ARE THOSE THINGS. I cannot pinpoint for you where you learned it or found it, but you are already loving and kind and exactly the man any woman I know (Including myself for the record) would want in her life. You are good. And you are Godly. And you are YOU.
I want you to focus on the good you can reap from what has happened thus far in your 30 years and 4 days. And see yourself as so many people see you- their best friend, their wonderful brother, their thoughtful son. You are loved.
And now I am going to give you the advice I am trying to live by, LOVE YOURSELF. Because you are worthy of loving. Trust me please.
I love you. SO much.