that’s it.  that one phrase defines who i am.  defines my fears, my sleepless nights.  my confusion filled days and moments of take-your-breath-away terror.

i dont know how to do this.  i dont know how to be a man.  i feel like a teenage kid stuck in a grown-up suit two sizes too big.  i feel terrified.  i can change the oil, pay my bills each month and look the part of being a man.  but the important things are the things i worry about.  falling in love, actually loving a woman the way she should be loved, becoming a boyfriend, husband and father… those things, i dont know how to do those things.  i dont know how to be those things.

how do i present myself as a viable mate when all i know, the “how to be a man” handbook i was given was written my by father?  where, how do i find the role model i need when so many years ago i gave up and came to the understanding that i’m alone and that ive got to make it on my own?

how do i find a role model, how do i find love, when i’m simply too afraid to let anyone in?

i want to love her with all i am.  i want to care for her, be a light and an encouragement.  but i want to love her from a heart that is free.  the heart of a man.  and maybe this is what fighting for someone really looks like.  maybe im finally realizing that this is where things change, where pretenses and beliefs long ingrained begin to crumble.  maybe this is where i face those three defining words and begin to see them changed.

Jesus – i dont want to miss her.  whomever she is.  i dont want to miss the chance to love her for all she is, with all i am.  please, do this work in me, because i cannot do it on my own

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