how often has it been said that someone walked within their destiny?  that they found exactly what they were called to do, and did it?  history records those people as few and far between.  washington, lincoln, luther.  they found their destiny, saw it through to the finish and the world was never the same.

the more i live, the more i believe this is a rare quality.  that we, as humanity, has settled for good enough.  that we’ve given up on the possible and the potential, for the present and the popular.  that we’ve given up on our dreams to chase after the things that the world says we should want.

that we’re supposed to want the 3.7 kids, dog and white picket fence.  that 2500sq ft and a 2 car garage is the dream we should all have.

i think that’s settling.  i think that’s buying into the hype of the world we live in.

dont misunderstand me – i would love those things.  i would love to provide a beautiful house to a beautiful woman.  i would love to give something like that, to someone like that.  but this ‘dream’ is not about blessing anyone.  its not about who you helped yesterday, or that those closest to you may need your help right now… its about how big your flat panel hd tv is.  it’s about what year your car is.

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we were created with purpose.  with destiny woven into the very core of our being.  we were created to know and understand at a very basic level that we are temporal beings.  that life on this earth isnt everything.  that the 70-90ish years we spend on this planet are but a whisper in the stories told throughout history.

tonight, i am asking a tough question.  its one i dont like to think about, much less bring into the blogosphere.

tonight, i am wondering if there is destiny left for me.  if there is still a story to be told.  if there is still purpose, still dreams to be dreamt, and if those dreams, will one day be reality.

its not that i doubt, in my mind, that there are still stories to be told, and dreams to be chased after.  but in my heart?  i doubt.   i question.  i wonder if the chance has come and gone.

tonight, i face my own doubts.  and i wonder, question if i still have what  it takes.  if i ever had what it took.  i question if ive made the right decisions.  if decisions i made years ago were the right ones.  and tonight, i regret some decisions i cannot unmake.

there was a time in my life where i rarely questioned the calling i felt.  where i thought i knew what i was supposed to be, who i was supposed to be.  when i thought i knew what a man looked like.  tonight, thats all been replaced with shades of gray.

i guess, what it really comes down to, is if i still believe.  if i still can hold onto the simple truth that there is still hope.  maybe tonight i need to realize that i’m not surrounded by shades of gray, but by shades of grace.

and that these are good questions to ask, because they make me face the dark areas inside of my heart.

because the heart, is the key thing.

if we were created with destiny in the very fiber of who we are, then it’s our hearts that know this.  its our hearts that whisper these truths in the most inopportune times.  its these whispers we try to drown in busyness, in work, in more.  more stuff, more money, more time, more effort.

its almost as if we know, deep in who we are, that our hearts are central to our lives.  and yet, when our hearts whisper to us that we were meant for more, it scares us.  and we do all we can to hide from that.  we do what we can to pretend its not there.  that freshly painted picket fences and a 2011 car in the garage somehow complete us.

all the while, our hearts know better.

so tonight, i’m listening.  im listening to the whispers of my heart, and in those, i’m hearing the echo’s of the heart of the Creator.  of the great story teller.

and although i wont pretend my doubts are gone, i have hope.

and i still beli(eve).

brooke fraser – orphans, kingdoms

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