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i know, it has been a long time since ive really poured myself into this blog. ive had so many things to talk about. so many things in me that im realizing, that im afraid of, that i dont want to see, that i want to pretend dont exist.
to put it simply… i am afraid to hope.
that phrase, afraid to hope, came to me earlier today right before dinner. Mom bought each of us kids two books. two of her favorites. and honestly, my first reaction was one of fear.
it was a blessing to me. and i knew that. i concsiously knew it was meant to be a blessing. i knew that. it was something nice my mom wanted to do for me. it was, as she put it, a mushy moment. and i was scared.
im afraid to take anything that ill get emotionally involved in. im afraid to open up, to hope. to offer any part of my self as vulnerable to anyone. simply because i, simply because i dont want to lose anything else.
its a really sad and pathetic thought process. it was however, born out of the need to cope. now, its a chain thats drowning me in a sea of hopelessness.
i lost so much, that having anything that could be lost, simply terrifies me. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont want my past personal failures to determine my future. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont. i honestly, truly do not.
i lived 3 years apart from them. i did it. and i proved to myself that it could be done. and now that im back, i dont want to be apart again. at least, not under negative circumstances.
i want to hope. i honestly do. living in a hopeless existence is living in death. but im a very analytical thinker. and i want guarantees. i want promises. i want to know ill be ok. i want to know my family will be ok.
why do i still feel the same
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
but i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
that im with You
the past has left its stain
and i have felt ashamed
ill seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday
and i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
and i am waiting
i am waiting
i keep waiting for the day that im with You
new day the sun is shining
seems im closer to finding
that life is more than what we hide
no way that i am turning
as along as the sun is burning
now it seems that all i want is you
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can be. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being wounded, to remove all opportunity for hurt, to keep at arms length all that may damage or crush ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can offer. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being in love, to remove all opportunity for joy, to keep at arms length all that may bring completion, blessings and honest compassion that may help heal ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly to fear all that life is.
i dont want to live life like this.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day all i want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
ive seen enough
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
someone once said that there is love in the red letters. and i believe that the best thing i can do right now, is close with those selfsame letters.
bless the Lord, o my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. bless the Lord o my soul and forget not all His benefits. who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. who redeemeth your life from destruction, who crowns you wit lovingkindness and mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.
the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy. He has not dealt with us after our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
but the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him, and his righteousness unot childrens children….
bless the Lord all His works in all places of is dominion, bless the Lord o my soul.
so i finished reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.
and it talks so much about christian men who live passionless lives. lives devoid of fire. lives devoid of righteous anger. lives devoid of a reason for waking up in the morning.
they’re good guys. very good guys. they’re the guys who treat women with respect. they open doors. they dont look at porn. they make a good living to provide for their wife and 2.3 kids. they tithe. and they are utterly dead inside.
the do not live. they simply exist.
and for the past few months thats how ive felt. im trapped. my passions for so many things, sound. youth. worship… everything that used to make me me isnt accessible down here.
and that needs to change. because life sucks when you just exist. im not sure how, im not sure what it will take but it needs to change. because i REFUSE to live a mediocre life…. screw the status quo. id rather die than live a passionless life.
life is meant to be lived.
I am a part of the “Fellowship of the Unashamed”. I have Holy Spirit power. The die is cast. I’ve stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I’m a disciple of His. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, live by prayer and labor by power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is tough, my companions few, my guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, diluted or delayed. I will not flinch in the face or sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of my enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won’t give up, shut up, let up or slow up ’til I’ve preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go ’til He comes, give ’til I drop, preach ’til all know and work ’til He stops.
And when He comes to get His own, He’ll have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear.
(thanks mateo)
i think a month is the longest ive gone between posts in a long time. im not sure what the hold up has been. i could go into more detail, but for tonite, i need to focus on only one thing. and in leading up to that one thing, on this thing.
its been a year.
thats right. 365 days. well, as of today, 368 days since i arrived in texas. wow. i didnt even realize it until one of my sisters mentioned it. a year. already. welcome to my monkey-bar moment.
and for the next 365…
dear God, please be near. be God.
and help me to be me.
we all have separate roads to walk, each one with its own rest-stops, of places of healing, of tears and places of learning to let go… places where letting go will be easy… places where the God of all creation is actually lifting the burden from your shoulders, and other times.. other times we will simply be forced to let go of our burdens because its all we can do to hold onto the sheer rock face we’re fighting to climb….
and its in those moments…
those moments of terror when we cant see the top of the rock wall, moments when its the darkest part of the night, the storm is raging all around us and all we can do is dig our bleeding hands into the outcroppings of rock and hold on…
and its in those moments we cry out
Lord i need to hear from You be near oh God be near
i worry, way to much. especially for one who professes to be a christian. i worry… way to much.
i worry about my health. i worry about what other people think. i worry about my future. i worry about my past. i worry, or fear rather… that i’ll just not be good enough and God will simply write me off. ill worry that my idea of God is based on my life experiences and not on who He truly is. i worry that God may only be the sum total of my life experiences and that who He truly is doesnt matter.
yet, i am a christian.
funny huh?
my life is a study in contradiction. you could write your thesis on my life. on what runs through my head… and of how messed up i sometimes am.
i worry that i wont be good enough for a free gift. yes, thats right… a gift with no strings attached that would be as readily given to mother theresa as marilyn manson… i worry that i wont be good enough for that gift.
i walk around every day trying, giving 110% at every single thing i do, hoping against hope that ill just be good enough to help ease the pain. to make life easier again. to be happy. to feel joy. to let go.
i live each day planned out so firmly because subconsciously i feel that if i do everything right, that the other shoe wont drop. that surprises wont be bad anymore. that phone calls from home and trips out to dinner wont be laced with the pain and hurt of the past 3 years.
i simply want everything to be ok again. i want to forget about all that happened. i just want it to be ok again.
to stop hurting….
there was once a time when i didnt worry so much. when i was more in love with my saviour… and less infatuated with the hell of life. i want to go back there again…
but im realizing that i cant. i cannot go back. there are times when i just want to scream out in desperation because i cant go back to being innocent. i cant go back to having a child-like heart simply because id not yet experienced enough of life to change my heart to adult-like.
its no longer that easy to have a child-like heart. now i have to almost ignore the circumstances that life drops on you like pianos from the sky. now i have to focus on who God is. on who He professes to be. on the author and finisher of my faith.
i have to. because i cant finish it. im no good at this thing.
im scared. im terrified. i’m the little kid at the top of the slide who selfishly demanded that his daddy not stand behind him as he climbed the ladder that led to the beginning of his life’s journey… that lead to the top of the slide. so here the little kid stands, death grip on the railings of the slide, he doesnt move… because now he sees how far he’s gone, and how far away his daddy is…
now im not going to finish the story of the little kid on the slide, because the story needs to finish itself…
but rest assured of this one thing: no matter the ending, his daddy will be there. whether the little boy loses his grip and falls, or intentionally lets go and slides… his daddy will be there.
it doesnt matter if daddy catches him, or slows his landing:-)… He will be there.
i need to know that. in the very core of who i am, i need to know that.
could it be true
can life be new
could it be all that I am is in You
could it be this
could it be bliss and
can it be You
can it be You
ill gladly step out of the politcal debate that is currently swirling around Terri Schiavo…. God only knows i’d like to say something, maybe a lot of somethings… but right now, that will do absolutely crap.
so ill do the one thing im called to do… and i hope you’ll do it too.
Lord, bless this family. be with them during this time… and please, please… be with terri.
amen
thats the question of the moment. thats the question i’m asking. thats the one answer im not finding. but thats exactly what im looking for.
and maybe, just maybe… thats exactly what the One wants for me.
court, i would have commented on your blog. but for some reason it wasnt letting me. so ill comment here.
your post (see it here) was amazing. it was a breath of fresh air. it was real. raw. passionate. honest. unhindered. it was a page from the book of my life… it was incredible. and it resounded inside of me.
i know what you’re going through because im feeling the same way. like there is something missing. like there is a part of life that i dont have. like there is something im just supposed to “get” and im just not getting it. like a page, chapter or even volume from the instruction manual for my life is printed in french. and i dont read french.
i want what you want. i want unveiled eyes.
Lord make it so…
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 