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nothing much tonite, its off to bed in just a few
11pm… wow:-) someone should be proud.
on a small sidenote… someone commented back on sept. 26 – they only signed as “me”… id love to know more about this mysterious person…
i guess ill just have to stay tuned.
as for the rest of this life i think im living….
let me thank nannyk8 and pookie for their support through this time…
nannyk8 – thanks for the emails and comments… ill reply. i promise
pookie – you rock. thank you. for everything.
ok, nite for now.
and the winner of twenty points… goes to skip:-)
the song is called storm
the aritst is a lifehouse – before they were lifehouse….
but yeah
its great:-)
congrats skip!
nothin from my camp today….
but from the camp of a certain friend in chili – a friend who i learn a lot from. a friend… who once again, left me speechless with her words comes this statement.
so other than.. “thank you”, i will leave you tonite with this:
how can you trust if you have never been tested? the simple answer is you can’t..and i’m not speakin in religious metaphors, i’m talking about life. and you are experiencing the worst of it. (not that i have to explain that to you, at all.) but a comment on the trusting thing……….everything you have trusted is falling apart…..and you should be on your knees, etc…..but you know what………….don’t get on your knees if you’re not feelin it…….wait until your heart is sincere, and then, get on your knees…..there is a reason why they are saying it…………. remember that, and then maybe one day… you will say it to.
as a precursor to my blog tonite… i read relevants article
here.
speaking of phone calls to make. i have one or two of my own.
i dont know if id consider myself on the ‘outs’ with a friend. but things arent exactly peachy. that i know for sure. its amazing how quickly things can change in any relationship. in the matter of a moment, a relationship – and even – ones whole life… can be permanently changed.
i dont know. maybe im not being as teachable as i can be. maybe my servants heart hasnt shown through enough. maybe i got tired. maybe… maybe im just losing the sense of trust i had in almost everything. maybe im going completely crazy. i dont know.
they say im supposed to trust the One who keeps the stars in the heavens and tells the tide when to come in… and when to go out. they say the One who has the whole world in His hands is worth my trust. they say that if we believe in Him, we can move mountains. they say He is worth us trusting Him with our very lives. they say it…. im struggling with it.
they say He’s trustworthy. i say – i want proof. i want to know why. why my family is falling apart? why am i 1700 miles away from them? why cant everything be normal and ok again? why is my sister fighting for her life?
trust? why is everything i EVER trusted falling to pieces in front of me…
why…..
and dont…dont you DARE give me some ‘christianese’ answer. if you aren’t walking in my shoes then shut the heck up…..
im not perfect. im not claiming to be. but i am moving on.
maybe i do need to be making that phone call. maybe i should be on my knees first.
i dunno…. but there is only one way to find out.
its been a while hasnt it? since i sat here and poured my heart into this. its been a long time since i was introspective. i guess -when one doesnt like what they see- sometimes they choose not to continue to look. which is what i think ive done….
it seems that i may not have a lot for the blog tonite. i know -its been forever- and so much is on my heart right now… so much. but i guess the words are best said directly to the people that i need to say them too….
for now…. to my little sparrow wherever she may find herself…. goodnite and you are loved.
and to the rest of the populace -this life i think im living….well, it hasnt stopped. and neither will i:-)
sleep in peace everyone
-nite
earlier today i sat and watched my fish…
mesmerized by her own reflection in the bowl…
my fish spends hours chasing its mirrored image…
and yet – i read vals blog – and i sit… and i read 9 posts…
from insanely mesmerized people about how weird skip is.
we humans – forever easily amused:-)
and sarcastic
as to the ‘legacy’…. all that you know – is true.
and you only know the smallest bit.
::raises a glass of dew:: a toast – to leads of hettuce
anyway – i must agree with mateo – obscurity and anonimity are two very clever and powerful weapons…
my interest is still kept – however, the unknown person has yet to respond to my challenge – prove you know me. and not just my blog…
this life i think im living gets more interesting every day:-)
another mysterious message from our unknown messenger.
seems that this person has captured my interest…
whomever you are out there…. you say i talk to you.
prove you know me.
to the rest of you all – from this life i think im living…
goodnite
as much as i can, i believe ive begun the steps neccessary to keep my life from completely falling apart.
thanks to the help and support of one specific friend, ive begun seeking out a counselor.
i ended up having my weekly preformance meeting with my boss on tuesday. and… its not really a good thing – when ones first week on the job was the best.
my 3 month review is right around the corner, and i havent exactly ‘bested’ my first week yet. and the 3 month mark is where they basically decide if they feel its beneficial to keep you employeed.
i hadnt realized until i started talkin with him (my boss) how much the circumstances of my life had impacted my ability to simply focus. so yeah, my job is probably in jeapordy right now….
hence the decision (with some major support from a friend) to seek out the help i need.
so many battles lost… but hopefully, not the war.
and tomorrow is another day
and im thirsty anyway….
so bring on the rain.
well, i should be getting to bed.
so if you’re out their reading this somewhere in this wide wide world. and you happen to understand the meaning of ‘lil sparrow’….. beyond all the crap that this life brings… i wanted you to know i still love you.
goodnite from this life i think im living.
it is the foundation for every friendship.
all buisness deals are merged with its truths.
there is no love without it.
its a simple word with incredible weight.
trust.
i realized something after goin to see spiderman ( THE MOVIE YOU MUST GO SEE). i got talkin to my movie goin friend val about it.
i realized this literally as i was saying it – that a certain someone whom val and i both hold in high regard has given to me a gift that i know i cant understand the depth of. the gift? its a simple thing with incredible weight. trust.
our friends at webster describe trust as: 1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed.
am i terrified? heck yeah. outta my mind. but its a good thing. because i know this to be true – i am a poor excuse of a human being and -in and of myself- am utterly incapable of ever fulfilling the requirements of such a gift. i know i dont understand how precious this is and i can not act in a way that could covey how much it is to be cherrished. but i know the One who can.
my job? its simple really. to live a life that cultivates a heart that can trust – and be trusted. to live a life so honest, so open to the One deserving of my trust – that i am changed into His image. then… and only then… will i be truly one to be trusted.
i am humbled and honored. scared and terrifed. and in some really weird way – ready for the beggining of the ride of this life i think im living;-)
to all those out there who trust me and whom have placed with me a part of who they are – i love you all:-)
3 things before i crash.
1. a shout out to skipper for being a wonderful friend tonite.
2. a shout out to solaire for letting me know how much she liked what i blog.
3. thankful…. my supreme thankfulness to the God in Heaven for not being in the ER tonite….
🙂
ok.
this life i think im living continues and i need sleep
nite
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 