You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘God’ category.
Lord prepare me
to be a sanctuary
pure and holy
tried and true
and with thanksgiving
i’ll be a living
sanctuary
for You
so i seem to have this thing with becoming heavily involved in, shall we say “left of center” tv shows. first it was buffy, now – angel.
so in tonites episode, one of they key characters has a surprise visit from his father. the father being portrayed as overbearing, unapproving and downright hurtful at times pales in comparison to the final few moments of the show.
without going into plot details im sure will bore you… the episode climaxes on the roof of a highrise with the father threatening the life, the very essence, of our main characters boss/friend. the boss/friend character had a very colorful past and although he was now good… the father couldnt see past the well, past.
so you’re left with the obligatory standoff – father and son pointing guns at each other…
and just as obligatory, our main characters love interest walks into the scene at the most inoportune of times. sensing only danger for the boss/friend character, she doesnt worry about her life.
as things come to a peak, the son is able to remove the ‘weapon’ from his fathers hands. not the gun mind you… the weapon.
this, frees the boss/friend character from any threat.
during the final exchange of father-son words, the father turns the gun on sons love interest. again, very obligatory.
so i find myself sitting here knowing that there is gonna be some sort of fight scene. some form of violent confrontation between father and son. up to now, it had only been words. but that was going to change in moments.
or so i thought.
the moment… the very second the father turns his gun towards the love interest… muttering something about threating someone his son truly cares about…
bam, bam bam bam bam bam…. bam bam bam
without hesitating, our main character EMPTIES the entire 9 round clip into his father. shooting him until he hits the ground.
i sat there stunned. not because of the incredible plot twist… but because of what it said to me.
this son, destroyed his father to save the one he loved.
this son… gave up a huge part of his life for a woman who he hasnt even been totally honest with about his feelings…
without hesitation…. his life changed forever.
without hesitation.
im struck again… sitting here in my darkened apartment…. lost within my thoughts… within my heart.
i should be the one who chooses to do what i know is right… without hesitation. i should be the one preparing my heart for Him. for His presence. for His life. for His purity.
i should be ready to change my life… for the One i love… without hesitation
so tonite, im intentionally not gonna post much. i know, its been quite a while since ive posted anything of note. its been a very hectic few weeks.
just letting you all know im alive.
and i specificlaly wanted to thank dawn for commenting:-) welcome to my life dawn. feel free to stop by anytime.
you guys should check out her site. you can do so here. good stuff. very good stuff.
i realized something earlier today while waiting at a traffic light on the way home. here i am in a city of hundereds of thousands of people rushing home between 5 and 6pm…. we’re all in a hurry to head home, make dinner and start the rushing back to work the very next day…. very few of us are lucky enough to not feel any stress… most of us arent even paying attention to whats going on around us…
our thought patterns exist on the plane of “if it doesnt impact me directly, i do not want to think about it”…
and thats the way, i feel, the world spends the hour between 5 and 6pm. heck, its normally the way I spend the hours between 5 and 6.
so here i was… sitting at a traffic light, and i was – amazingly enough – not so stressed to have missed this example.
as i sat there, this guy walked down the street… he obviously lived nearby for he was walking his dog… and, like most dogs, the furry, slobbery creature was running this way and that, chasing leaves, scents, and everything else that caught his eye, or nose.
this dog… lives his life for the “whats next”. he lives constantly believing that there are new, amazing, unexplored scents to discover… new things to see, and new animals to chase…
right under that leaf! or… if i could only chase that squirrel ::yank:: oh, right… the leash… oh wow, new smells! oh boy a cat!! ::bark bark bark::
this dogs life was one full of joy. of hope. of excitement. this….. dog…. was teaching me what it means to truly be alive.
thats my prayer tonite…
to be so enraptured by life… to be so madly in love with truly living that all else fades. to be so in love with the One holdling my “leash”, that i no longer worry about my worth…
to live free. free to chase squirrels… to have fun. to not worry. to not fear….
to truly live.
so what if people say i live like a dog… at least then ill know, im truly living.
so my plan for this post was to let fly with a gut-wrenching, heart on my sleeve, no holds bar message to whomever my future wife may be.
but i realized that, although my thoughts and feelings for you, whomever you are, may be very intense…
it wouldnt be me tonite.
so, simply, quitely, my prayer tonite
is that i wait for you.
and that i will love you with all i am.
may you rest knowing that the One who placed each star in heaven – knows you by name.
the road ahead is less clear than ever. at least, it seems that way.
Lord, You know my path. You know my heart. lead me and guide me in the way You have for me. help me to humble myself and move in the directions You want. take my heart and let it be consecrated only to You.
Jesus, take my life and lead me on.
so ive been thinking over the course of the past few weeks….ive been thinking a lot actually.
im realizing that my story….
if you were to right a book about my life… and if you wrote the final page today…
my story would not be complete.
at least… i hope not.
for you see, my story is not one of finding inner healing. of baring the deepest parts of my soul to an Almight and Loving God… and finding healing. my story would have many chapters written, unchangably, in the first person. because a lot of times – there was no second, or third.
my story would find me striving for… fighting… for survival.
it would not neccessarily be one of victory in all battles.
it would be a story of survival.
of a prodigal son.
a sinner.
i guess ive found myself in a beatiful letdown.
im constrained by my heart to follow hard after my God. every time i attempt to press into His presence, im overwhelmed by my mistakes. by my sins. i long to simply run away from this feeling. from this God who loves me. and into the sweet embrace of nothingness. to escape from pain. from hurt. from moments that would stretch me… and let me grow. i dont want to lose anything else. so i run.
i want to run from the One Being, i want to blame… the One Being, i can blame… the One Being, who is blameless.
an almighty God… and a family, lives in ruin.
an almighty God… and through all the stormclouds… a lining. sometimes… only the shadow of a lining of hope.
my story doesnt revolve around a life dominated recently of powerful moves of an almighty God. my story doesnt show Gods moving in the “parting of the red sea” or “fire from heaven”.
my story centers on a quiet, hardly discernable “i am still here” that has reverberated through every circumstance, every battle won… and lost.
His love is perfect. and how i ever got to the point that i would run FROM it… rather than to it… i dont know if i can undestand it.
i absolutely despise so much of who ive become.
i hate that His Presence isn’t the first thing i run to when i hurt.
i hate that my life doesnt reflect His love.
i hate that my heart, my mind, my actions – dont line up with His desires for me to live a pure life.
i hate that i feel so…. unholy.
i run from the shame. i run beacause of the shame. i run because i know that people arent as forgiving as a Holy God. i run, because i cant stand who ive become when i stop running.
im scared.
im scared that if i stop… that things will catch up with me. and ill never start again.
ultimately, im afraid that if i do stop… and let down my guard…
people will see… they’ll see me. for all of who i am. sinful, dirty, unholy… wrong.
they’ll see the facets of who i am that i try to hide…
they’ll see the facets ive become so good at covering, that i sometimes can pretend they’re not even there.
but they are. and they will, in one form or another, always be there. its what makes me human. they are what make me in need of a saviour. of a champion.
of the One who through it all…
is still there.
i am forced to restore what i did not steal
ps. 69.4
revolution
can you feel it?
revolution
can you hear it?
its the revolution cry….
i spent this evening rediscovering images from an event in my life i will never forget.
i unearthed a box in my apartment that held photos of OneDay2000. wow.
so long ago.
when the lost find the name were believing in
and the fallen get back onto their feet
and the broken start to dream again
and the sound of hope fills these streets…
you’ll know its here
the changes in my life. and in my heart.. will only continue as far as i allow. and what i need…
is change. drastic.
new birth.
i need to be broken… and i need to start dreaming again.
im falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus You’re love is all im living for….
i need You now, in my life.
i need You to guide me. the way isnt very clear right now. help me to trust You.
help me to love You the way i once did.
show me Your path, and help me to walk in it.
Lord, You have my heart
and i will search for Yours
Jesus take my life lead me on
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 