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Proverbs 27:5-6
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
A wounds of a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
I hope ive been the type of person that allowed my friends the right to wound me… Im only making this connection as i write – but without trust, our friends can not honestly look into our lives and say and do the thigns that will ultimately do us good.
without trust, our friends can not wound us.
for the longest time, i lived in a world where i trusted almost no one.
and consequently, ive made decisions over the past 2 years that im not proud of. decisions that impacted me as a person. and quite possibly, my future. ive made decisions i will forever have to live with.
there was no one speaking into my life, no one with the authority, the place the trust, to wound me when i needed to be wounded.
and although i can point the finger at many people i feel dropped the ball, ultimately, it is solely my fault.
so now i stand before you…. not sure if ive wounded friends i care about deeply. certain however, that if i have – that the wounds were not out of love, but out of a betrayl of the trust they placed in me.
and not just a trust between 2 friends… but a sacred, holy trust that was established long before my walk in this earth.
when trust is betrayed, the next step may not be love… it may, in all honesty, be rebuke.
once that line is crossed, once that trust is betrayed…. the wounds are no longer trustworthy. they are destructive.
take my life.
i dont have the strength to give it to You.
help me surrender.
help me rest in Your arms.
help me feel you close….
help me.
two words.
never again.
two words.
new beginnings.
two words.
His Mercy.
two words.
My strength.
Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You are the one….
for tonite… thats the sum of my thoughts.
and they arent even mine.
i simply heard them. and they connected with me.
connected…
thats my hearts cry…
my heart…
i want my heart reconnected to my Saviour
im gonna be a history maker in this land
im gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind
im gonna stand
im gonna run
into Your arms
into Your arms again….
You’ve carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school. And I, I know you didn’t ask for this, but… you do it every day. And so, you wanted out for one second. So what?”
-willow
so maybe the whole “high school” tag doesnt fit. but its a truthful statement none the less. and at times… it simply screams the way i feel.
tonite? not so much.. last nite – for no apparent reason….. for a split second in time, i thought about it… i thought, about quitting….
not suicide or anything… just simply quiting everything i believe in. walking away from everything ive fought so hard for.
i found myself -in a narrow second of time- questioning almost everything.
was it all worth it? was everything ive lost…. and even, the things ive gained… worth it all?
i guess i find myself… in a sense anyway… standing at a stove. looking at the “pan” of my life thats been sitting on the flame… the pan is searing hot and for the longest time, my hand was being forcefully held to the handle of the pan… i had no choice but to go through the fire. no choice but to feel the pain. no choice but to be burned… scarred… and ultimately…
changed.
circumstances will at times force you to adapt or die. and for a long time, thats what i had to do…. to survive. i had to adapt. i had to change. everything. all at once. and sunddenly… its no longer the force of circumstance that is holding my hand to the fire. suddenly…. there is no force… keeping my hand there.
all of a sudden, its now my choice…
do i want to live the life that requires of me to hold my hand to the flame? sacarifce my flesh? and, quite possibly, be scarred even more?
do i want to accept the pain… and submit myself to a higher power? a power that will never force my hand in the fire…
but a still, small force that called abraham to sacrafice his only son… a force that sent His own son to die…. to bring me to Himself?
will i submit to more pain….
will i allow myself…. to be changed again?
thats it isnt it?
will i
change?
so many directions.god it has been so long since i didnt have any words at all.
im just so frustrated.
frustrated with myself.
with my fears.
frustrated with the past years of existence.
frustrated with situations that just wont die.
if i could ask for one thing tonite…
if only one prayer…
i would lay my eyes at Your feet. i am nothing if i cannot see with Your eyes.
im struck again by the title to this blog.
and im realizing… again… that the answer is
no.
im not. not yet.
i got to thinking about my blog earlier today. and how much it means to me. or for that matter, how deeply connected i am with most of the things i write. i am not the caliber of person who can crank out 300 words that will tear at your being and speak to your soul… unless im going through something. im no great writer…. but i dont have to be.
for you see, to me – writing is my art.
i may never paint a chapel. or create something as priceless as monet. my works may never be displayed in the guggenheim… i may never have a mona lisa… but this… right here. is who i am. and if we – on this earth – are all artists of sorts…
then the question i am left with tonite…
what mark am i leaving?
what i want – for the moment – is inconsequential.
for this moment….
i need to be dipped again, in the blood of the Lamb
ive only one thought to end tonite.i found myself this evening on the roof of the parking garage.
litterally surrounded on all sides by an amazing lightening storm.
and as the rain began to fall… it was only then i realized that storms – be they ever so destructive…
are also the most creative powers of nature.
for you see, not only does rain clean the air and water the ground, lightening also replenishes the ozone.
whoopdeedoo right?
then i realized….
its only during the worst of storms – that true restoration can come.
its only when we’ve chosen to withstand the storm… the fire, for as long as we needed too…
its then, and only then that the air is truly cleansedhealing can beginand the protective barrier around our world, around our “lives”can be strengthened again.
so im going to launch tonites posting without a title. however, i have this feeling that a title will be found as i wind my way through my thoughts.of which, ive only two.
have you ever been having a conversation with someone and only realized something… or only had something hit you – when you hear it come out of your own mouth?
i did.
tonite.
wow.
i dont know what to think right now. and im no where near sure if anything is even ‘right’.
but i will say
wow.
and…. to end the nite….
in each moment of life… in each, scene in this great play…. we’re given a specific role. some of us may at times be the star of the show… at other times, we may play supporting roles. in other scenes, we may be nothing more than background and filler… or even props… and then there are the times when we’re called to be nothing more than the guy who sweeps up the auditorium after the show…
in each scene of my life, i want to be where im supposed to be…in the role im supposed to be doing. be that star, tree, or janitor…. i do not care…i simply want to be right where im destined to be.
and as the curtain closes on tonite, may you find rest for your souls under His wings… and in His peace.
(nannyk8 – call me?)
maybe its the realization that life will always keep going. even when our life falls apart. the world doesnt stop. maybe its just the determination to put that one foot in front of the next… and just continue to keep going.
hope isnt a beautiful uplifting thing… its the decision to breath through water-filled lungs.
i made the decision long ago…. to allow myself to expierence feelings fully.
whether it was joy or pain… completion or loneliness… whatever it is, i choose to feel… to live… fully.
and i make that statement again.
this life i think im living will never again be normal. but i choose to live it fully.
july 19, 2003… a date that will forever be burned in my memory.
welcome to the war….
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 