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so i dont think i have much to blog tonite.
i ended up renting a new flick… check out “hometown legend”.
good movie. very good.
hey – even relevant said it was good.
anyway.
i must say life offers us many very interesting challenges. and things change in a moment. we’ve all seen that. im not exactly sure why im still surprised by it. i guess it can just come from surprising sources.
someone who i havent talked to in months just said hi to me a few moments ago. @ the very moment i was thinking about her. weird.
God? maybe.
anyway…
i heard some good preachin sunday morning.
simply put – there may never be a good time to apologize. maybe i am waiting for the perfect moment. will that perfect moment ever happen?
all questions… no answers.
i know i said this earlier on. it just keeps popping up. more and more im realizing what faith isnt. and for that matter… what love isnt. love means having to say im sorry. love means having to swallow your pride. love means getting hurt. love… means betrayal.
here is a question for you – how much did the disciples learn from watching judas? from seeing one of their own betray the one they followed? what were the disciples supposed to learn? what did Christ feel? i mean – He was 100% God, but He was 100% man also. did he feel betrayed….?
i dunno.
forgiveness seems to be whats foremost on my mind. and – from the look of my past ramblings, i guess they’re may be a lot on my mind tonite….
forgiveness. asking for it. giving it.
forgiveness isnt a beautiful thing. its not all flowers and fluff. its gory. its sacrafice…. look @ what it cost Christ to simply pave the way for our forgiveness… just so we could share in the communion that He has with His father.
rambling… very rambling. and my song selection has been close to schzisophrenic. and dont mock my spelling. its late.
the hardest part of this life i think im living…. is simply that.
living.
ok… im gone for now.
i dont think im gonna end up saying a whole lot this fair eve.
been thinkin a lot about trust.
trust and faith to be exact.
they are not pretty things. they’re painful. they’re painful and greedy.
they demand – like petty 3 year olds – all you have… and if you dont give it to them… they – just like the 3 year old – are not at fault for anything going wrong. they demand all with no physical guarentee on the return….
they arent the wings that enable you to fly… they’re the driving forces that push you off the cliff and into the freefall of the future.
and the thing is – parachutes aren’t allowed….
someone once said that feelings were important. and i must agree. simply due to the fact that we’re born with them.
take suffering for example…or pain – if you prefer that word. there isn’t a human who’s ever lived who hasn’t expierenced suffering. be it emotional, physical or any other form… everyone has -at one time or another- been well aquantied with pain.
Jesus Christ Himself… while walking on this earth.. submitted Himself so strongly to the will of His father that He learned pain… through watching the heartbreak over the death of lazarus.
and Christs Father – God. expierenced suffering more than we will ever…. how? simple really…
we talk so much about giving our all to Christ.. to walking out our faith… and we nearly idolize those who’ve gone before us and given all they had. look at the martyrs… the romans got their kicks off of feeding the early christians to lions… boiling them in oil… and dipping their heads in tar, tying them to a post and lighting their heads on fire…. for light.
but God Himself gave more than that….
dying for what we believe is easy. giving our lives? giving ourselves? nothing…absoluty nothin…
God didnt give Himself… He gave the most important thing to Him… He watched His own son die.
how about you? would you let your own brother die for what you believed? would you sit there and watch your parents get hacked apart by rebels… all because you didnt renounce the God you follow? would you watch your little sister be defiled all because of your belief in something greater than the both of you?
thats harder… thats surrender… that- in a nutshell- is what God did to His son to draw us to Him….
i can give everything i am… that isnt even an issue anymore. id gladly take a bullet and face death itself for the things i believe in. but what about my family? or my friends?…
im not exactly sure why this is all on my mind right now… but i guess its a good thing. i havent blogged this much in quite some time.
anyway… i guess the question of the nite – what was God feeling? its written that, even though God is Love, He could not stand to look at His son. He had to turn His head and look away from the one being that was as much Him, as He was.
so maybe surrender isnt submitting my own preferences or choices… maybe surrender is giving everything. not just yourself, but all that you have. all that you’ve been given… all that brings you joy… to the will of a God who let His own Son die…. for me.
they say that that – is love. they say that love isnt a feeling. they say love is stronger than death. and they say love is something we all need…..
i had a realization just a moment ago
2:18am Saturday… july 10.
ya know – its weird too… because its not something i didnt know. just something i never realized.
as a christian, ive been called to live a life that is utterly impossible. a life that i will fail at every single time i try. a life that all christians are called to live, and only one christian completed succesfully…..
i am nothing. and i have nothing to offer…
every attempt ive made resulted in utter failure…
and only two words sum up anything good ive done
in Him.
my life
my love
my all
is found
in Him.
its what i did. when i read this.read it.
healing must start somewhere. if it doesnt. He isnt who He says He is….
my prayer for the nite –
i find peace when im confused
i find hope when im let down
not in me
but in You
in You
i hope to lose myself for good
i hope to find it in the end
not in me
in you
in you
nothin from my camp today….
but from the camp of a certain friend in chili – a friend who i learn a lot from. a friend… who once again, left me speechless with her words comes this statement.
so other than.. “thank you”, i will leave you tonite with this:
how can you trust if you have never been tested? the simple answer is you can’t..and i’m not speakin in religious metaphors, i’m talking about life. and you are experiencing the worst of it. (not that i have to explain that to you, at all.) but a comment on the trusting thing……….everything you have trusted is falling apart…..and you should be on your knees, etc…..but you know what………….don’t get on your knees if you’re not feelin it…….wait until your heart is sincere, and then, get on your knees…..there is a reason why they are saying it…………. remember that, and then maybe one day… you will say it to.
ok…one more thing…and then i crash
Man versus himself. Man versus machine. Man versus the world. mankind versus me. The struggles go on, the wisdom I lack, the burdens keep piling up on my back. So hard to breathe, to take the next step. The mountains is high, I wait in the depths. Yearning for grace, and hoping for peace. Dear God… increase. Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again. Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever. Freedom means love without condition, a beginning or an end. Here’s my heart, let it be forever Yours, only you can make every new day seem so new.
as i fall to my knees tonite – my one request is for more… of all i need.
of sleep
of rest
of peace
….. of Him.
until next time from this life i think im living – nite
as much as i can, i believe ive begun the steps neccessary to keep my life from completely falling apart.
thanks to the help and support of one specific friend, ive begun seeking out a counselor.
i ended up having my weekly preformance meeting with my boss on tuesday. and… its not really a good thing – when ones first week on the job was the best.
my 3 month review is right around the corner, and i havent exactly ‘bested’ my first week yet. and the 3 month mark is where they basically decide if they feel its beneficial to keep you employeed.
i hadnt realized until i started talkin with him (my boss) how much the circumstances of my life had impacted my ability to simply focus. so yeah, my job is probably in jeapordy right now….
hence the decision (with some major support from a friend) to seek out the help i need.
so many battles lost… but hopefully, not the war.
and tomorrow is another day
and im thirsty anyway….
so bring on the rain.
well, i should be getting to bed.
so if you’re out their reading this somewhere in this wide wide world. and you happen to understand the meaning of ‘lil sparrow’….. beyond all the crap that this life brings… i wanted you to know i still love you.
goodnite from this life i think im living.
tonite, as i continued down this road i think im living…
i rediscovered a part of my being that had long ago been broken off.
exactly what it is – or where it goes…or how to put it back on?
im not sure
but… as a very tentative step in the (hopefully) right direction…
its in His hands.
Lord take from me my life when i dont have the strength to give it away to you. please take from me my life… when i dont have the strength to give it away to you
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 