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i remembered again today… why it is that i dislike watching people leave my apartment. its not the actual leaving… as much as it reminds of of airport terminals.standing at the door to my apartment, watching a loved one walk down the hallway… they make a turn for the stairs and in a moment… they’re gone. and in all honesty, you never truly know when you will see that person again.
tomorrow – ill have to do that. only this time – it will be the airport. and not just my apartment door. this time, it wont be 10 minutes that seperate us. this time, it will be 1700 miles.
this time… all over again.
my wisdom teeth came out friday afternoon. and im doin ok. its now been 4 and a half days. im not bleeding anymore. i had my first actual (be it all soft foods) meal this evening. see, my dad flew in. major surprise. was not expecting it.
shocked would have been how i felt on friday nite when i got the message he was due in less than 24 hours. not only had the novacaine worn off, but my dad – whom i had not seen in nearly a year – was coming to town.
and now, only 3 days later. he is leaving.
again.
“Have you often been to Rivendell?” said Frodo.
“I have” said strider, “I dwelt there once, and I still return when I may. There my heart is, but it is not my fate to sit in peace.
so much changes. in such a little time.
pray for me guys…
had all four wisdom teeth removed earlier today….
so yeah…
thanks:-)
Proverbs 27:5-6
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
A wounds of a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
I hope ive been the type of person that allowed my friends the right to wound me… Im only making this connection as i write – but without trust, our friends can not honestly look into our lives and say and do the thigns that will ultimately do us good.
without trust, our friends can not wound us.
for the longest time, i lived in a world where i trusted almost no one.
and consequently, ive made decisions over the past 2 years that im not proud of. decisions that impacted me as a person. and quite possibly, my future. ive made decisions i will forever have to live with.
there was no one speaking into my life, no one with the authority, the place the trust, to wound me when i needed to be wounded.
and although i can point the finger at many people i feel dropped the ball, ultimately, it is solely my fault.
so now i stand before you…. not sure if ive wounded friends i care about deeply. certain however, that if i have – that the wounds were not out of love, but out of a betrayl of the trust they placed in me.
and not just a trust between 2 friends… but a sacred, holy trust that was established long before my walk in this earth.
when trust is betrayed, the next step may not be love… it may, in all honesty, be rebuke.
once that line is crossed, once that trust is betrayed…. the wounds are no longer trustworthy. they are destructive.
hillary – thank youcourtney – im prayin for you
im not sure what i have to do… to get where i need to be.
but im desperate…
absolutely
positively
desperate
two words.
never again.
two words.
new beginnings.
two words.
His Mercy.
two words.
My strength.
Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You are the one….
for tonite… thats the sum of my thoughts.
and they arent even mine.
i simply heard them. and they connected with me.
connected…
thats my hearts cry…
my heart…
i want my heart reconnected to my Saviour
im gonna be a history maker in this land
im gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind
im gonna stand
im gonna run
into Your arms
into Your arms again….
not sure what i think about this…
especially after telling courtney that i AM a guy… but hey.. ya answer something truthfully and bam…
cinderella…
well, i just hope it means im romantic:-)
Cinderella!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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You’ve carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school. And I, I know you didn’t ask for this, but… you do it every day. And so, you wanted out for one second. So what?”
-willow
so maybe the whole “high school” tag doesnt fit. but its a truthful statement none the less. and at times… it simply screams the way i feel.
tonite? not so much.. last nite – for no apparent reason….. for a split second in time, i thought about it… i thought, about quitting….
not suicide or anything… just simply quiting everything i believe in. walking away from everything ive fought so hard for.
i found myself -in a narrow second of time- questioning almost everything.
was it all worth it? was everything ive lost…. and even, the things ive gained… worth it all?
i guess i find myself… in a sense anyway… standing at a stove. looking at the “pan” of my life thats been sitting on the flame… the pan is searing hot and for the longest time, my hand was being forcefully held to the handle of the pan… i had no choice but to go through the fire. no choice but to feel the pain. no choice but to be burned… scarred… and ultimately…
changed.
circumstances will at times force you to adapt or die. and for a long time, thats what i had to do…. to survive. i had to adapt. i had to change. everything. all at once. and sunddenly… its no longer the force of circumstance that is holding my hand to the fire. suddenly…. there is no force… keeping my hand there.
all of a sudden, its now my choice…
do i want to live the life that requires of me to hold my hand to the flame? sacarifce my flesh? and, quite possibly, be scarred even more?
do i want to accept the pain… and submit myself to a higher power? a power that will never force my hand in the fire…
but a still, small force that called abraham to sacrafice his only son… a force that sent His own son to die…. to bring me to Himself?
will i submit to more pain….
will i allow myself…. to be changed again?
thats it isnt it?
will i
change?
so many directions.god it has been so long since i didnt have any words at all.
im just so frustrated.
frustrated with myself.
with my fears.
frustrated with the past years of existence.
frustrated with situations that just wont die.
if i could ask for one thing tonite…
if only one prayer…
i would lay my eyes at Your feet. i am nothing if i cannot see with Your eyes.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 