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You’ve carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school. And I, I know you didn’t ask for this, but… you do it every day. And so, you wanted out for one second. So what?”
-willow
so maybe the whole “high school” tag doesnt fit. but its a truthful statement none the less. and at times… it simply screams the way i feel.
tonite? not so much.. last nite – for no apparent reason….. for a split second in time, i thought about it… i thought, about quitting….
not suicide or anything… just simply quiting everything i believe in. walking away from everything ive fought so hard for.
i found myself -in a narrow second of time- questioning almost everything.
was it all worth it? was everything ive lost…. and even, the things ive gained… worth it all?
i guess i find myself… in a sense anyway… standing at a stove. looking at the “pan” of my life thats been sitting on the flame… the pan is searing hot and for the longest time, my hand was being forcefully held to the handle of the pan… i had no choice but to go through the fire. no choice but to feel the pain. no choice but to be burned… scarred… and ultimately…
changed.
circumstances will at times force you to adapt or die. and for a long time, thats what i had to do…. to survive. i had to adapt. i had to change. everything. all at once. and sunddenly… its no longer the force of circumstance that is holding my hand to the fire. suddenly…. there is no force… keeping my hand there.
all of a sudden, its now my choice…
do i want to live the life that requires of me to hold my hand to the flame? sacarifce my flesh? and, quite possibly, be scarred even more?
do i want to accept the pain… and submit myself to a higher power? a power that will never force my hand in the fire…
but a still, small force that called abraham to sacrafice his only son… a force that sent His own son to die…. to bring me to Himself?
will i submit to more pain….
will i allow myself…. to be changed again?
thats it isnt it?
will i
change?
so many directions.god it has been so long since i didnt have any words at all.
im just so frustrated.
frustrated with myself.
with my fears.
frustrated with the past years of existence.
frustrated with situations that just wont die.
if i could ask for one thing tonite…
if only one prayer…
i would lay my eyes at Your feet. i am nothing if i cannot see with Your eyes.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!::pant pant pant::
im struck again by the title to this blog.
and im realizing… again… that the answer is
no.
im not. not yet.
i got to thinking about my blog earlier today. and how much it means to me. or for that matter, how deeply connected i am with most of the things i write. i am not the caliber of person who can crank out 300 words that will tear at your being and speak to your soul… unless im going through something. im no great writer…. but i dont have to be.
for you see, to me – writing is my art.
i may never paint a chapel. or create something as priceless as monet. my works may never be displayed in the guggenheim… i may never have a mona lisa… but this… right here. is who i am. and if we – on this earth – are all artists of sorts…
then the question i am left with tonite…
what mark am i leaving?
what i want – for the moment – is inconsequential.
for this moment….
i need to be dipped again, in the blood of the Lamb
ive only one thought to end tonite.i found myself this evening on the roof of the parking garage.
litterally surrounded on all sides by an amazing lightening storm.
and as the rain began to fall… it was only then i realized that storms – be they ever so destructive…
are also the most creative powers of nature.
for you see, not only does rain clean the air and water the ground, lightening also replenishes the ozone.
whoopdeedoo right?
then i realized….
its only during the worst of storms – that true restoration can come.
its only when we’ve chosen to withstand the storm… the fire, for as long as we needed too…
its then, and only then that the air is truly cleansedhealing can beginand the protective barrier around our world, around our “lives”can be strengthened again.
this is in response to k8s most recent posting… if you havent read it, check it out here.
ive found myself wanting to do the same thing on my site too k8. maybe not for the same reasons, but things just seem to be changing so quickly that within days, my posts are either outdated – or ive changed beyond that spot.
it seems that with extreme change externally comes extreme changes in the heart. and im beginning to learn that changes in the heart will inevitably bring about changes externally.
i used to think – not sure why, but i did – that the realms of the heart were rarely able to impact the realm of the external. for some reason, i just assumed that they existed in two seperate areas. two seperate levels of reality.
maybe its because im slowly allowing myself to open back up to some long lost dreams… hopes… and ideals. maybe its because in doing so, my reality, as i’ve known it – has been shaken.
change is coming. i keep saying it. i know.
maybe it is no longer the right statement to make anymore. because, the truth is…
change is here.
its in me.
its in my heart.
its in the gifts that have lied dormant for so long that are springing to life.
its in the way my prayers have changed.
its in the way my heart beats. and the things it beats for.
Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on.
again for tonite… im gonna leave this post without a title. im hoping that more or less, ill just end up pouring some of who i am right now into this post.
with newly discovered love… comes the need for newly, or possibly renewed… surrender.
i cant begin to describe how much has changed in little more than a month.
i am utterly terrified.
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
CS Lewis
i dont know what the next step is. or even if there should be a next step.
all i know…. is this.
when the music fades
and all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something thats of worth
that will bless Your heart
ill bring You more than a song
for a song in itself is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
through the way things appear
You’re looking into my heart.
im coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You…. all about You.
you’re a dreamer
someone just said that to me while discussing my lack of putt putt skills…
my reply?
ya know what, on an entirely different leve – i hope i am
i cant begin to describe how much ive changed.
ive dropped things i didnt think i was carrying….
just earlier this evening i decided to write off soda from my diet completely.
i know, its a stupid example, but if you knew me, you’d know it was big.
i know im scared. more so now, than i was 6 months ago. i dont understand whats happening in my heart. and i know… i just know, something big is coming. and its coming fast.
change is coming.
i have this nagging thought that soon, im going to have to take a leap… and launch myself into the unknown.
I swear ive no idea where what im feeling is coming from.
this is it.
this is soooo gonna be it.
the line is coming. a choice will have to be made.
i dont know where, i dont know how… i dont even know what the choice is going to be, but its coming.
the leap – is coming…..
welcome to the beginning of the unknown.
change.
it is coming.
in actuallity…it is here.
here is to embracing changes.
to uncovering diamonds that you simply never saw among the coals…
and to risk.
to risking it all. to putting it all out on the line. to being 100% gut level real.
to saying –
take it or leave it. this is me. ive got nothing more to offer. but i can promise to love you with all i am.
to those who are saying that already – i say continue to press on…
and to those, like myself, finding themselves on the brink of change…. my hearts cry… my passion… is this.
dont hold back.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 